Saturday, December 21, 2013

Why X~Mas sucks!

You build traditions over a space of years.  If you take in traditions that was built in by your own family growing up and blend them into your partner’s traditions, it makes it all the worse.  It is so hard to wipe him out.  We had our traditions set, we celebrated at my aunt’s xmas eve, with my family.  We did ours x mas morning, his family xmas evening.  All together shopping was a blast, 7 nephew and nieces, 4 siblings and in laws, his parents, four aunts and uncles, five cousins, plus each other and that is just those we plan to buy for; sometimes there are ones who were visiting that we would add to the mix.  Cards were insane.  I haven’t sent out cards the last two years because of my issues regardless. 

I didn’t have the ability to adjust last year.  I was too out of it.  I just sort of went with it. 

This year I live with my brother and I still have no one to spend it with.  I will be in my room alone.  I have no one to spend it with.  I will be alone.  Perhaps I will go to a Chinese restaurant to eat. 

I have no tradition.  Just me and my cat.  Just me and my lovely adorable cat. 

I lost my hours all of them.  I have been so depressed these past couple of days that I didn’t get out of bed for anything.  I went a full day without feeding my cat.  I can’t believe that. 

Next year I will have my own tradition.  It will be mine and mine alone.  No more sharing holiday crap with people and traditions and habits with other people.  Maybe I need to break the habit of going to the dungeon every two weeks.  But I think I will wait until I move.  Right now, I need something to look forward to, something that is not horrible. 

New Year’s Resolutions

I think this is only the second year losing weight is not at the top of my list, however, I do not want to end the year at what I started this year.

*Stop trying to make everything so perfect.* Try to speed up.  That is how to fit into modern American society.  By modern, it has only been that way since what, the industrial age, which only sped only increased through the 70’s and 80’s.  If you know me, or simply look above and do rough math you will see a reason, I shouldn’t think this is normal. 

*Move on.* I mean, move out of my brothers.  Get a job, which will allow me to do so, full or part time, not limited to 24, but perhaps around it.  No more holding back.  Do what I want, meds will have to help, but it will have to be so. 
Last year, I had one goal to get better, do everything to do to get better, listen to every detail do everything.  I have notes a list of everything they told me to do.  I have a check list of when I did it.  While I am not going to go bash my head against the wall or other things ;-), not take my meds, or drink, I am done spending my time lying around.  I already started, ‘socializing once and a while, but not too much, maybe just a couple of hours a hours.’ lol, not sure if the dungeon I go to, is what she had in mind. 

*Acceptance.* This is what I am, headaches and all.  What I lost is gone. I like some of the same things.  However, I lost a lot and some is returning.  Stop worrying about what changes are from, my head injury and the break up. 

 (Though I really hope that *independence*, I was forming in the months between the break up and my injury comes back when I move, I think that was kind of fun.  I did a lot of things for myself; I would have never done, alone, before.  I was even making choices for myself without freaking out, something I have lost/losing.  I even went into a new restaurant and order something totally new, without asking any questions (other than allergens) and (omg) no planning.)   <-- is that weird for a submissive to say?

*Stop trying to pleasing everyone!!!*  It back fires.  If someone even hints it will make them happy I will bend over backwards to do it.  Unless you piss me off, then it has to involve cleaning, just hand me vinegar and a rag, and point me in the direction you want me to clean. (Oh, it has to be spotless.  If it isn’t spotless, we will have a problem.) 

*Apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault!!!*  I just fucking apologized for cutting a friend out of my life.  He did something so horrible, that it is unforgiveable, not to me, but it is something I could never look him in the face as a friend again.  This is the worst example.  

Okay list on my things I want to learn, some I may not be able to do though.
1.       *Oil change with oil and air filters,* I had asked to learn how to do this, but “you are not coming near this engine,” seemed reasonable, perhaps, it still is. 
2.       *Tire change* (even if I should not really be doing this, I still should learn how to do this).  I had been asking how to learn to do this from my ex for years.  Isn’t this one of those things I am suppose to know how to do. 
3.       *Re-learn Greek.* (Go through my basic Greek books)
4.       Do the Theogony or Works and Days in Greek
5.       Return to my old reading level
6.       Every last detail of all the office programs
7.       How to rewire a lamp.  (not the standard, but mine)!!!
8.       Find a local ear plug store. 

Perhaps not that order like maybe English before Greek… 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tens unit: PT vs Play.

So I am at PT, with my back and neck hooked up to the tens unit.  I can’t feel the right side very much, so they the left side gets turned up quite high.  I am told to tell them until ‘you can feel it on your right side’ or ‘it becomes too much on your left’ or something like that.  This is nothing new.  I am on my sixth time this time.

Today, I heard him say, ‘That is as high as I am going.’

I am laying there thinking, well, today it is somewhat intense on my left side, but it could be higher.

Then I am thinking, hmmmm…  I wonder, how high is the voltage in comparison to play?

Also thankful that it did not turn me on.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    
Will I be allowed to move on? 
Is it safe for me to move on?
 When can I have sex?
 When can I play? 
When can I seek new dom? 
When can I do anything? 
When can I work full time?
How will I move on?
How will get my life back?
When will my headaches go away?
Will I be normal again?
Can I be normal again?
Is it possible for me to have a life again?
Will I always be like this?
Will I change again?
Am I going to continue to change?
Can I force myself to change?
It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.  

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Moving out on my alone

I realized I have lived with a dominate personality since I was 20, someone who always told me what to do.  December ’05 to November ’06 was with my brother and his wife and their two year old.  My sister in law pretty much is the type that it is better to back away in an argument and accept what she says and do what she says. 

From then until July ’12 I lived with my ex.  Until that first summer, it was just in the bedroom but then there was a trigger and he hit a jealous rages.  To avoid them, I did exactly as any slave should do, whatever he said when he said, at first, it was good, but then it goes beyond this post.  The point is I went where he said, I clean what he said.  He said if it was cleaned enough, good enough, if I missed a spot. 

After I moved in here in November, I have gone rounds with my sister in law about how I clean.  The first time I cleaned while I was here, I told her exactly what I did and what I missed, I was tired, (it was after my injury).  It had been a few years since I had cleaned for someone who was not my ex. 

*Anyway,* I suddenly realized I will hopefully soon be moving out for the first time. 

I have started to move out on my own before and have the same thoughts and feelings they come to me in waves.  I am 28 now and never have lived alone.  I mean the closest thing to alone I had was sleeping in my car for a few and couch hopping and staying awake in a gas station (did you notice that gap) until my sister in law found out, in I think September but that was their old house so it was still like couch hopping.  What is it like?  Like living on your own?  No one telling you what to do?  But at the same time not telling you it is time to clean? 

I get to decide where everything is going to go.  However, it will have to be to optimize wall space for books, so not much choice, once you think about it.  

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

My birthday

I am happy it is over.  Perhaps a little too happy.  See I hate my birthday.  It was yesterday.  I don't get out of bed on my birthday.  I usually request off of work, skip class (when I was in college).  My grandmother's was on the 3rd and we celebrated together for 10 years until she died.  Two days before my 13th her mother died.  I hate my birthday.

I don't have my birthday visible on Facebook.  Unless you are a close friend you don't know it.  In college, everyone thought I loved it because I requested off, but I hated it.  First day of the fall semester I put up whatever blocks I had for the day, and I didn't leave the house or my bed.  I did go to work yesterday.  It was difficult.  I hate it.

This year I was lucky, only my aunt, and two friends and one of those I let it slip to when my aunt called.  and my brother wished me a happy birthday.  My brother called me, I was up stairs in my room, didn't even do it face to face.  I don't know if his wife and him are respecting the fact I hate my birthday or if she just doesn't care.  I thought she would have the kids make me a card or something I thought she was going to.

People just read me wrong about all the birthday stuff.  I hate it.  It is hard for me to be grateful.

When I was with my ex it was easier I guess.  I still didn't get out bed on my birthday unless he was home.  The morning of my birthday he would wake me up with a spanking.  I usually got another at bedtime.  Friday night and at least once Saturday and Sunday and each one was at least the number of years I was.

I realized that this is the first year i haven't had a Birthday spanking since I turned 18.

19 was my first.  he was my sexual partner vanilla and dom master
20 was a dom that i can't even tell you his name
21-26 was my ex
27 was a friend and play partner

this year is a year off I guess.  LOL

but over all my birthdays suck.  always have since I was little always will I guess.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Try, Try, Try

Try to clean the bathroom, too clean or not enough.

Save kittens, 'I miss my cat.' Well, why the fuck didn't you get the fucking thing spayed! I just took three to a no kill shelter. and now your fucking cat is pregnant!  You gave me permission to take you cat without asking where it was going who had if you could visit and now you want to ask.  I don't know their last names!!!

 Go to work on short notice.  I told I am going into a doctor's appointment.  If I am late getting out I will be late getting there.  I am late, out of uniform, and I stay late!!!!!!!!

Now, why the fuck do I feel like shit today??????????????????

Someone please tell me why I feel like shit????  I try and do nothing get nothing done.


They changed my pain cream without telling me.  It better be the same shit.  I will be pissed, if not.  Aren't they suppose to warn you about that.  Assholes.  I am fucking pissed off.  I don't like it.  They shouldn't do that shit to your prescriptions.  GRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 20, 2013


I haven't kept this up to date much, but I am going to start.  I need somewhere to talk about my injury.  Facebook isn't good.  FetLife isn't good because I started going to munches.  So to state where I am and was.

In November I was attacked at work, and received a concussion.  I have post concussion syndrome which is a traumatic brain injury.  I failed to get proper treatment, and was denied it.  I had a horrible doctor and I was too out of it to realize it.  I don't really remember about three months.  I have flashes but no real memories.  Before the injury my memories are like reading books no feeling.

My short term memory is returning, my speech has mostly returned.  I still dislike reading, something I use to love.  My face on the right side is numb. I scratch it a lot.  My arm is numb, it is great for shots and blood work.  :)

I have been fighting workers compensation non stop for money and medical care.

I haven't slept through the night since my injury.  I am just tired all the time.  I cannot stand sounds at all.  Ear plugs are my friend.

I am also losing weight at an alarming rate.

I am using a lot of pain meds.  I am sort of happy it isn't oral medication.

I started going to munch and went to the dungeon though playing is out of the question for right now.  I think it is too dangerous... who knows.

Conversations with a female friend: about dating each other.

<Crossed posted from Fetlife>
She says: I would so date you if you were a guy, but you are female and we are both straight.
I laughed: Are you sure?
She laughed: Yes. Aren’t you?
I chuckled: Well, it wouldn’t matter, you aren’t open enough sexually for us to compatible.
(My way of saying you are way the fuck too vanilla for me. I was trying to be nice. Did you guys know you could have sex without any biting scratching or anything of sort? I mean any at all. No one grabbing you and holding you place. No pulling you back when you try to wiggle away from their tongue or fingers. I did know that, until she told me. Wow, I thought I had vanilla sex once or twice, but I guess I was wrong.) Anyway back to the point.
She goes on: I am open sexually.
I laughed: Now, think about everything I have ever told you.
She went silent: Okay, but you never answered the straight question.
I laughed: I have never really came to the position where it has come up.

We talk, more than anyone. We call each other nearly every night to say good night.

There was a lot more to it but that was the main points.

The last line comes from: I had a coworker/friend who was hitting on me I am not sure if it was in fun, seriousness, or both, probably both. However, I wonder now if I was more open then what would have happened.

My question is while I have only been attracted to males, is it so far, or is it the way I am? Is it possible that I just haven’t met a female I am attracted to? I am not saying this actually applies to anyone or me. Is this an actual possibility?

My friend and I are really close friends, but I have no sexual attraction. However, I have another friend that there are times I feel uncomfortable sleeping next to. She had gotten a new mattress and we laid down for I swear five minutes. We woke up next to each other, really close to each other, in a rather awkward position. I am not uncomfortable, because it freaks me out she is a girl, but because she is my friend. However, is that true? Or does it make me uncomfortable because she is a girl?

Sunday, August 11, 2013

I am afraid, angry, want

I am afraid:
That the pain won’t go away.
That I might be suicidal.
Of the thoughts that keep entering my mind.
That I will find out that it would have been fixable if they had gotten to it sooner.
There is nothing to be done.
There is something invasive to be done.
I will be a vegetable.
I am just tired.
I am weak.
That I burnt my hand and didn’t notice it.
That my pain tolerance is raising.

I am angry:
That I am weak.
That I feel like I have to fake it.
That I want to fake a smile.
That there I feel so hopeless.
I want to disappear.
I want it to go away.
That I feel like ending it.
Like it should go away.
That workers comp is fighting every turn.
That I thought of looking up the highest bridge over water in my area.
That someone would have to find my body.
I thought of ways to destroy my body completely, but I cannot.
The ocean and sometimes deep in the woods are the only places people never show up.
Two places I cannot make it alone.
I hate to have these thoughts.

All I want is:
for it all to go away.
to pain free.
to be functional again.
to move on.
to move out of my brothers
to work.
To be an adult.

I was human
Now I am nothing. I am a disgrace.
I am useless.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Sometimes it’s better to be alone nobody can hurt you

Well the picture, I found on Facebook. Perhaps it is better to be alone. Away from my ex, he cannot hurt me. Away from another relationship, no one else can hurt me. My niece and nephew were gone for more than 48 hours and my brother asked me why Q hadn’t came over. I simply told my brother that I had became too attached and he wanted me to back off. My brother had no words. I thought about asking him over as a friend but I think it is still too soon. I hope I was right in saying nothing. It was hard not to. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can have a life in which I have less time to think. It will be easier I believe. At least I know where I stand. With J, I always held hope for him. I always had this candle for him, up to the point that I heard he was married, from someone else. I will keep my distance and detached until he tells me not to do so. He told me I should have pushed more, made my feelings more clear. He said we missed our chance. I missed one chance with Q, what if I ruined my second chance. I really need to quit analyzing this. I need to find something to write about. Forgetting about being with anyone is better. Staying alone is better. If I keep remembering that I don’t have a chance with Q, now, then he cannot hurt me when he chooses another to fuck.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Fantasy vs Reality

So, I am a mod in a group on FetLife and I was editing some of the sticks and separating fantasy and reality. Well, I think that has been a problem, for me lately. Q has said I am too attached, and it is true. It is really true. We are really supposed to be only friends but I had begun to think way too much about him. He is the first person I think of when something is bothering me. I am trying hard to stop. I deleted his text messages. I created a list on Facebook which is pretty much everyone except Q. I have skype showing facebook contacts so I don’t see him. I had focused so much on little things he said. For instance, he once said he wanted to take control. He said other things indicating he wanted more. I was not ready when he said it. I am now, but now he is not. Maybe I am not. Maybe it was made up in my head. Then again, I did fail him. I failed to trust him. I failed to not bother him. I just failed him. He asked me to back off. I have. I have cried less than I thought I would, but it is only for now. I hope that when I contact him again that I will not feel as attached. I know it will difficult if he wishes to play. At least the first time we see each other again there will be no play, I think. Either way I am just a failure I don’t deserve him. Maybe if I had stopped everything it would have been better, I do mean during our last play session, when I should have. Reality, at least now, we are only friends who happen to do kinky things, yet we haven’t seen each other without fucking in a while. So new rules for me, One, don’t tell a fucking soul what I feel; if I kept it in he wouldn’t know I how badly I failed him. Two, don’t apologize for my feelings (referring to J and my ex) Three, no contacting Q until the 27th for anything. I will answer him but I won’t initiate anything.

Monday, February 4, 2013

So why the fuck would you tell me you still love me?

 side note this is only meant to be a vent. 

You kick me out
You say I am useless
You say I am an idiot
You say that a bitch
You say I can’t take care of myself
You say I cheated on you.
I may be useless
I may be an idiot in a lot of areas, because frankly what the hell does it matter what type of weld that is?
I can be a bitch.
You didn’t let me take care of myself beyond cooking for six years, my fault.
I never cheated on you. 
You often made me feel like it, for simple conversation. 
I will never forget the day when an older gentleman held the door and said “Here, Miss.” And I said, “Thank you, Sir.” I was scolded for hours.  However, we hadn’t played in months.  I wasn’t touched again for weeks though I admit I may have done something else wrong.   
Now you say you love me
You say you care for me
You ask me for coffee
You ask me on fucking super bowl Sunday
What the living fuck is that?  (Okay he probably has no freaking clue it is)
I hate football.
However, the few people, I would call is fucking working because it is a big game or watching. 
How can you say you love me, now?
No I haven’t found a new love
No I am not seeing someone, at least I don’t think I am.
But I have moved on
But why do I feel like this
Why do I feel like I did something wrong
I feel like I need to say sorry I don’t love you
I feel like I should say sorry I don’t love you now and I don’t think I will or can
I think if I was strong six years ago I would have not even met you or been with you. 
Maybe I loved your family more than you
I think I miss my cat more than you
I think I miss your nieces more than you
I can’t wait till I get my baby back
I can’t wait till I get to see my kitty back
I don’t want to read that you can’t give her enough attention. 
I am working on getting out. 
I want out.
I need out
I told you may I want out in march but it won’t happen
I told you that
I told you in fact probably june months ago when they lost their jobs
Why the fuck can’t you just leave it alone.
 I don’t want you to love me.
I don’t want to have coffee with you
Why can’t I figure out my budget it. 
Why does it cost so much to live. 
I want my cat so I don’t have to talk to you
I wonder if I should tell you now
I wonder if my cat would be okay if I did. 
Would honesty kill my cat?
I know I can’t be alone.
You well I don’t know if I should call it rape,
But you know me well enough,
You should have known I was out of it,
You knew I had a head injury
I don’t remember getting into the bedroom. 
I remember falling asleep and waking up with you on top of me.
Am I stupid for caring this much for a cat?
Am I stupid for worrying about if he still loves me?
Why does he still love me?
Why does he want coffee?
I don’t want coffee.
I don’t love him
I don’t want him.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Why is my mind so easy to fuck with? A friend demonizing another

I have two friends, forever known as Q and J.  You may want a few details.  If not skip the next two paragraphs.

Q, I have known since ’07.  I was still with my ex when I met him.  He nearly broke us up and I wish he would have.  We went years barely speaking.  My ex even gave me orders meant to alienate him.  In fact, I was ordered, no blacked mailed, no I am not sure what the word is for it, to out him as bisexual or be beaten, my car taken away, and kicked out.  He has forgiven me.  I have left it to him believe I have a loose tongue, because I should not have let my ex tell me to do it.  I am not sure what I feel for him now.  He was the first to ask if I was okay, after family.  I had waited until family knew before I posted it on facebook because after 6 years of being together I was afraid of fall out if I didn’t.  He has been there when he can be, but he works and he is in school.  He comes over and plays.  I have no fucking clue what we are.

J, I have known since high school.  In ’02, I believe we met.  We were best friends.  We both wanted more; I thought I was unworthy.  He went through girl friends while I sat on the sidelines wanting him, he dating toothpicks.  Well, he got one of them pregnant one he hated, he married her without a word to me.  He found me on myspace a few years ago, but I was told to cut off all contact and delete myspace.  I did.  After the break up, I found him facebook.  Well, we reconnected.  I have been talking to him.  He is in an unhappy marriage, but I refuse to sleep with him or be anything more than a friend.  He says he respects my wishes but he pushes. 

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is the fact.  J asks how I am and then he always asks how my “BF” or my “Boytoy” is, and as I am a submissive, it is weird to think of him as a boy toy.  Well, every time that we talk about Q it seems as if J demonizes Q.  I have asked him to stop.  I don’t know how to tell him to stop.  When he does it, I get clingier to Q, which then hurts that relationship, whatever that may be.  I don’t want to quit talking to J but how do I tell him to shut it.  I can’t be clingy to Q, because of what J says to.

Also by demonizing, I mean he says, well it doesn’t sound like he cares about you, or I would spend every weekend with you if I didn’t have my family.  I would never hit you, (which by the way isn’t turn on.)  I think I made it clear last night I feel something different with Q but I do not know if it sunk in. 

I can’t bug Q because he has work, school, and everything.  But after talking to J I often feel abandoned by Q.  How the fuck does that make sense?   

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


So I had a blog for a long time, and while I had little traffic, but I enjoyed it.  Well, after I recent break up, I can no longer keep up that blog even though after years of him saying he did not read it I found out that he did read it and continued after I broke up with him, so here I am.  Therefore, within my blog you can expect read about my sex life, which will include BDSM, nothing illegal or too extreme.  I will also be writing about trying to live as ‘green’ as I can, partially because of my allergies and partially because it is better for the earth.  Also, I want to try new things as well. 

A couple of things about me, I have an irrational fear of frogs.  I love history especially ancient Greece.  I got hurt back in November a bit of a head injury so I am still healing.  I live with my brother and his family that is driving me up the wall. 

So here is a list of things I want to do

Stop using plastic bags
Minimize electric use
Switch to all natural cleaners (while still disinfecting and cleaning)
Make own soaps
Switch to led lights
Buy mostly American made products
Off bottle water
Only buy pop in cans or glass
Buy as little plastic as possible
Reduce the use of the car