Saturday, December 21, 2013

Why X~Mas sucks!

You build traditions over a space of years.  If you take in traditions that was built in by your own family growing up and blend them into your partner’s traditions, it makes it all the worse.  It is so hard to wipe him out.  We had our traditions set, we celebrated at my aunt’s xmas eve, with my family.  We did ours x mas morning, his family xmas evening.  All together shopping was a blast, 7 nephew and nieces, 4 siblings and in laws, his parents, four aunts and uncles, five cousins, plus each other and that is just those we plan to buy for; sometimes there are ones who were visiting that we would add to the mix.  Cards were insane.  I haven’t sent out cards the last two years because of my issues regardless. 

I didn’t have the ability to adjust last year.  I was too out of it.  I just sort of went with it. 

This year I live with my brother and I still have no one to spend it with.  I will be in my room alone.  I have no one to spend it with.  I will be alone.  Perhaps I will go to a Chinese restaurant to eat. 

I have no tradition.  Just me and my cat.  Just me and my lovely adorable cat. 

I lost my hours all of them.  I have been so depressed these past couple of days that I didn’t get out of bed for anything.  I went a full day without feeding my cat.  I can’t believe that. 

Next year I will have my own tradition.  It will be mine and mine alone.  No more sharing holiday crap with people and traditions and habits with other people.  Maybe I need to break the habit of going to the dungeon every two weeks.  But I think I will wait until I move.  Right now, I need something to look forward to, something that is not horrible. 

New Year’s Resolutions

I think this is only the second year losing weight is not at the top of my list, however, I do not want to end the year at what I started this year.

*Stop trying to make everything so perfect.* Try to speed up.  That is how to fit into modern American society.  By modern, it has only been that way since what, the industrial age, which only sped only increased through the 70’s and 80’s.  If you know me, or simply look above and do rough math you will see a reason, I shouldn’t think this is normal. 

*Move on.* I mean, move out of my brothers.  Get a job, which will allow me to do so, full or part time, not limited to 24, but perhaps around it.  No more holding back.  Do what I want, meds will have to help, but it will have to be so. 
Last year, I had one goal to get better, do everything to do to get better, listen to every detail do everything.  I have notes a list of everything they told me to do.  I have a check list of when I did it.  While I am not going to go bash my head against the wall or other things ;-), not take my meds, or drink, I am done spending my time lying around.  I already started, ‘socializing once and a while, but not too much, maybe just a couple of hours a hours.’ lol, not sure if the dungeon I go to, is what she had in mind. 

*Acceptance.* This is what I am, headaches and all.  What I lost is gone. I like some of the same things.  However, I lost a lot and some is returning.  Stop worrying about what changes are from, my head injury and the break up. 

 (Though I really hope that *independence*, I was forming in the months between the break up and my injury comes back when I move, I think that was kind of fun.  I did a lot of things for myself; I would have never done, alone, before.  I was even making choices for myself without freaking out, something I have lost/losing.  I even went into a new restaurant and order something totally new, without asking any questions (other than allergens) and (omg) no planning.)   <-- is that weird for a submissive to say?

*Stop trying to pleasing everyone!!!*  It back fires.  If someone even hints it will make them happy I will bend over backwards to do it.  Unless you piss me off, then it has to involve cleaning, just hand me vinegar and a rag, and point me in the direction you want me to clean. (Oh, it has to be spotless.  If it isn’t spotless, we will have a problem.) 

*Apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault!!!*  I just fucking apologized for cutting a friend out of my life.  He did something so horrible, that it is unforgiveable, not to me, but it is something I could never look him in the face as a friend again.  This is the worst example.  

Okay list on my things I want to learn, some I may not be able to do though.
1.       *Oil change with oil and air filters,* I had asked to learn how to do this, but “you are not coming near this engine,” seemed reasonable, perhaps, it still is. 
2.       *Tire change* (even if I should not really be doing this, I still should learn how to do this).  I had been asking how to learn to do this from my ex for years.  Isn’t this one of those things I am suppose to know how to do. 
3.       *Re-learn Greek.* (Go through my basic Greek books)
4.       Do the Theogony or Works and Days in Greek
5.       Return to my old reading level
6.       Every last detail of all the office programs
7.       How to rewire a lamp.  (not the standard, but mine)!!!
8.       Find a local ear plug store. 

Perhaps not that order like maybe English before Greek… 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tens unit: PT vs Play.

So I am at PT, with my back and neck hooked up to the tens unit.  I can’t feel the right side very much, so they the left side gets turned up quite high.  I am told to tell them until ‘you can feel it on your right side’ or ‘it becomes too much on your left’ or something like that.  This is nothing new.  I am on my sixth time this time.

Today, I heard him say, ‘That is as high as I am going.’

I am laying there thinking, well, today it is somewhat intense on my left side, but it could be higher.

Then I am thinking, hmmmm…  I wonder, how high is the voltage in comparison to play?

Also thankful that it did not turn me on.