Monday, February 11, 2013

Sometimes it’s better to be alone nobody can hurt you

Well the picture, I found on Facebook. Perhaps it is better to be alone. Away from my ex, he cannot hurt me. Away from another relationship, no one else can hurt me. My niece and nephew were gone for more than 48 hours and my brother asked me why Q hadn’t came over. I simply told my brother that I had became too attached and he wanted me to back off. My brother had no words. I thought about asking him over as a friend but I think it is still too soon. I hope I was right in saying nothing. It was hard not to. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can have a life in which I have less time to think. It will be easier I believe. At least I know where I stand. With J, I always held hope for him. I always had this candle for him, up to the point that I heard he was married, from someone else. I will keep my distance and detached until he tells me not to do so. He told me I should have pushed more, made my feelings more clear. He said we missed our chance. I missed one chance with Q, what if I ruined my second chance. I really need to quit analyzing this. I need to find something to write about. Forgetting about being with anyone is better. Staying alone is better. If I keep remembering that I don’t have a chance with Q, now, then he cannot hurt me when he chooses another to fuck.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Fantasy vs Reality

So, I am a mod in a group on FetLife and I was editing some of the sticks and separating fantasy and reality. Well, I think that has been a problem, for me lately. Q has said I am too attached, and it is true. It is really true. We are really supposed to be only friends but I had begun to think way too much about him. He is the first person I think of when something is bothering me. I am trying hard to stop. I deleted his text messages. I created a list on Facebook which is pretty much everyone except Q. I have skype showing facebook contacts so I don’t see him. I had focused so much on little things he said. For instance, he once said he wanted to take control. He said other things indicating he wanted more. I was not ready when he said it. I am now, but now he is not. Maybe I am not. Maybe it was made up in my head. Then again, I did fail him. I failed to trust him. I failed to not bother him. I just failed him. He asked me to back off. I have. I have cried less than I thought I would, but it is only for now. I hope that when I contact him again that I will not feel as attached. I know it will difficult if he wishes to play. At least the first time we see each other again there will be no play, I think. Either way I am just a failure I don’t deserve him. Maybe if I had stopped everything it would have been better, I do mean during our last play session, when I should have. Reality, at least now, we are only friends who happen to do kinky things, yet we haven’t seen each other without fucking in a while. So new rules for me, One, don’t tell a fucking soul what I feel; if I kept it in he wouldn’t know I how badly I failed him. Two, don’t apologize for my feelings (referring to J and my ex) Three, no contacting Q until the 27th for anything. I will answer him but I won’t initiate anything.

Monday, February 4, 2013

So why the fuck would you tell me you still love me?

 side note this is only meant to be a vent. 

You kick me out
You say I am useless
You say I am an idiot
You say that a bitch
You say I can’t take care of myself
You say I cheated on you.
I may be useless
I may be an idiot in a lot of areas, because frankly what the hell does it matter what type of weld that is?
I can be a bitch.
You didn’t let me take care of myself beyond cooking for six years, my fault.
I never cheated on you. 
You often made me feel like it, for simple conversation. 
I will never forget the day when an older gentleman held the door and said “Here, Miss.” And I said, “Thank you, Sir.” I was scolded for hours.  However, we hadn’t played in months.  I wasn’t touched again for weeks though I admit I may have done something else wrong.   
Now you say you love me
You say you care for me
You ask me for coffee
You ask me on fucking super bowl Sunday
What the living fuck is that?  (Okay he probably has no freaking clue it is)
I hate football.
However, the few people, I would call is fucking working because it is a big game or watching. 
How can you say you love me, now?
No I haven’t found a new love
No I am not seeing someone, at least I don’t think I am.
But I have moved on
But why do I feel like this
Why do I feel like I did something wrong
I feel like I need to say sorry I don’t love you
I feel like I should say sorry I don’t love you now and I don’t think I will or can
I think if I was strong six years ago I would have not even met you or been with you. 
Maybe I loved your family more than you
I think I miss my cat more than you
I think I miss your nieces more than you
I can’t wait till I get my baby back
I can’t wait till I get to see my kitty back
I don’t want to read that you can’t give her enough attention. 
I am working on getting out. 
I want out.
I need out
I told you may I want out in march but it won’t happen
I told you that
I told you in fact probably june months ago when they lost their jobs
Why the fuck can’t you just leave it alone.
 I don’t want you to love me.
I don’t want to have coffee with you
Why can’t I figure out my budget it. 
Why does it cost so much to live. 
I want my cat so I don’t have to talk to you
I wonder if I should tell you now
I wonder if my cat would be okay if I did. 
Would honesty kill my cat?
I know I can’t be alone.
You well I don’t know if I should call it rape,
But you know me well enough,
You should have known I was out of it,
You knew I had a head injury
I don’t remember getting into the bedroom. 
I remember falling asleep and waking up with you on top of me.
Am I stupid for caring this much for a cat?
Am I stupid for worrying about if he still loves me?
Why does he still love me?
Why does he want coffee?
I don’t want coffee.
I don’t love him
I don’t want him.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Why is my mind so easy to fuck with? A friend demonizing another

I have two friends, forever known as Q and J.  You may want a few details.  If not skip the next two paragraphs.

Q, I have known since ’07.  I was still with my ex when I met him.  He nearly broke us up and I wish he would have.  We went years barely speaking.  My ex even gave me orders meant to alienate him.  In fact, I was ordered, no blacked mailed, no I am not sure what the word is for it, to out him as bisexual or be beaten, my car taken away, and kicked out.  He has forgiven me.  I have left it to him believe I have a loose tongue, because I should not have let my ex tell me to do it.  I am not sure what I feel for him now.  He was the first to ask if I was okay, after family.  I had waited until family knew before I posted it on facebook because after 6 years of being together I was afraid of fall out if I didn’t.  He has been there when he can be, but he works and he is in school.  He comes over and plays.  I have no fucking clue what we are.

J, I have known since high school.  In ’02, I believe we met.  We were best friends.  We both wanted more; I thought I was unworthy.  He went through girl friends while I sat on the sidelines wanting him, he dating toothpicks.  Well, he got one of them pregnant one he hated, he married her without a word to me.  He found me on myspace a few years ago, but I was told to cut off all contact and delete myspace.  I did.  After the break up, I found him facebook.  Well, we reconnected.  I have been talking to him.  He is in an unhappy marriage, but I refuse to sleep with him or be anything more than a friend.  He says he respects my wishes but he pushes. 

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is the fact.  J asks how I am and then he always asks how my “BF” or my “Boytoy” is, and as I am a submissive, it is weird to think of him as a boy toy.  Well, every time that we talk about Q it seems as if J demonizes Q.  I have asked him to stop.  I don’t know how to tell him to stop.  When he does it, I get clingier to Q, which then hurts that relationship, whatever that may be.  I don’t want to quit talking to J but how do I tell him to shut it.  I can’t be clingy to Q, because of what J says to.

Also by demonizing, I mean he says, well it doesn’t sound like he cares about you, or I would spend every weekend with you if I didn’t have my family.  I would never hit you, (which by the way isn’t turn on.)  I think I made it clear last night I feel something different with Q but I do not know if it sunk in. 

I can’t bug Q because he has work, school, and everything.  But after talking to J I often feel abandoned by Q.  How the fuck does that make sense?