Monday, February 4, 2013

So why the fuck would you tell me you still love me?

 side note this is only meant to be a vent. 

You kick me out
You say I am useless
You say I am an idiot
You say that a bitch
You say I can’t take care of myself
You say I cheated on you.
I may be useless
I may be an idiot in a lot of areas, because frankly what the hell does it matter what type of weld that is?
I can be a bitch.
You didn’t let me take care of myself beyond cooking for six years, my fault.
I never cheated on you. 
You often made me feel like it, for simple conversation. 
I will never forget the day when an older gentleman held the door and said “Here, Miss.” And I said, “Thank you, Sir.” I was scolded for hours.  However, we hadn’t played in months.  I wasn’t touched again for weeks though I admit I may have done something else wrong.   
Now you say you love me
You say you care for me
You ask me for coffee
You ask me on fucking super bowl Sunday
What the living fuck is that?  (Okay he probably has no freaking clue it is)
I hate football.
However, the few people, I would call is fucking working because it is a big game or watching. 
How can you say you love me, now?
No I haven’t found a new love
No I am not seeing someone, at least I don’t think I am.
But I have moved on
But why do I feel like this
Why do I feel like I did something wrong
I feel like I need to say sorry I don’t love you
I feel like I should say sorry I don’t love you now and I don’t think I will or can
I think if I was strong six years ago I would have not even met you or been with you. 
Maybe I loved your family more than you
I think I miss my cat more than you
I think I miss your nieces more than you
I can’t wait till I get my baby back
I can’t wait till I get to see my kitty back
I don’t want to read that you can’t give her enough attention. 
I am working on getting out. 
I want out.
I need out
I told you may I want out in march but it won’t happen
I told you that
I told you in fact probably june months ago when they lost their jobs
Why the fuck can’t you just leave it alone.
 I don’t want you to love me.
I don’t want to have coffee with you
Why can’t I figure out my budget it. 
Why does it cost so much to live. 
I want my cat so I don’t have to talk to you
I wonder if I should tell you now
I wonder if my cat would be okay if I did. 
Would honesty kill my cat?
I know I can’t be alone.
You well I don’t know if I should call it rape,
But you know me well enough,
You should have known I was out of it,
You knew I had a head injury
I don’t remember getting into the bedroom. 
I remember falling asleep and waking up with you on top of me.
Am I stupid for caring this much for a cat?
Am I stupid for worrying about if he still loves me?
Why does he still love me?
Why does he want coffee?
I don’t want coffee.
I don’t love him
I don’t want him.

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