Saturday, February 9, 2013

Fantasy vs Reality

So, I am a mod in a group on FetLife and I was editing some of the sticks and separating fantasy and reality. Well, I think that has been a problem, for me lately. Q has said I am too attached, and it is true. It is really true. We are really supposed to be only friends but I had begun to think way too much about him. He is the first person I think of when something is bothering me. I am trying hard to stop. I deleted his text messages. I created a list on Facebook which is pretty much everyone except Q. I have skype showing facebook contacts so I don’t see him. I had focused so much on little things he said. For instance, he once said he wanted to take control. He said other things indicating he wanted more. I was not ready when he said it. I am now, but now he is not. Maybe I am not. Maybe it was made up in my head. Then again, I did fail him. I failed to trust him. I failed to not bother him. I just failed him. He asked me to back off. I have. I have cried less than I thought I would, but it is only for now. I hope that when I contact him again that I will not feel as attached. I know it will difficult if he wishes to play. At least the first time we see each other again there will be no play, I think. Either way I am just a failure I don’t deserve him. Maybe if I had stopped everything it would have been better, I do mean during our last play session, when I should have. Reality, at least now, we are only friends who happen to do kinky things, yet we haven’t seen each other without fucking in a while. So new rules for me, One, don’t tell a fucking soul what I feel; if I kept it in he wouldn’t know I how badly I failed him. Two, don’t apologize for my feelings (referring to J and my ex) Three, no contacting Q until the 27th for anything. I will answer him but I won’t initiate anything.

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