Tuesday, November 26, 2013

and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    
Will I be allowed to move on? 
Is it safe for me to move on?
 When can I have sex?
 When can I play? 
When can I seek new dom? 
When can I do anything? 
When can I work full time?
How will I move on?
How will get my life back?
When will my headaches go away?
Will I be normal again?
Can I be normal again?
Is it possible for me to have a life again?
Will I always be like this?
Will I change again?
Am I going to continue to change?
Can I force myself to change?
It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

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