Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.  

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Moving out on my alone

I realized I have lived with a dominate personality since I was 20, someone who always told me what to do.  December ’05 to November ’06 was with my brother and his wife and their two year old.  My sister in law pretty much is the type that it is better to back away in an argument and accept what she says and do what she says. 

From then until July ’12 I lived with my ex.  Until that first summer, it was just in the bedroom but then there was a trigger and he hit a jealous rages.  To avoid them, I did exactly as any slave should do, whatever he said when he said, at first, it was good, but then it goes beyond this post.  The point is I went where he said, I clean what he said.  He said if it was cleaned enough, good enough, if I missed a spot. 

After I moved in here in November, I have gone rounds with my sister in law about how I clean.  The first time I cleaned while I was here, I told her exactly what I did and what I missed, I was tired, (it was after my injury).  It had been a few years since I had cleaned for someone who was not my ex. 

*Anyway,* I suddenly realized I will hopefully soon be moving out for the first time. 

I have started to move out on my own before and have the same thoughts and feelings they come to me in waves.  I am 28 now and never have lived alone.  I mean the closest thing to alone I had was sleeping in my car for a few and couch hopping and staying awake in a gas station (did you notice that gap) until my sister in law found out, in I think September but that was their old house so it was still like couch hopping.  What is it like?  Like living on your own?  No one telling you what to do?  But at the same time not telling you it is time to clean? 

I get to decide where everything is going to go.  However, it will have to be to optimize wall space for books, so not much choice, once you think about it.  

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

My birthday

I am happy it is over.  Perhaps a little too happy.  See I hate my birthday.  It was yesterday.  I don't get out of bed on my birthday.  I usually request off of work, skip class (when I was in college).  My grandmother's was on the 3rd and we celebrated together for 10 years until she died.  Two days before my 13th her mother died.  I hate my birthday.

I don't have my birthday visible on Facebook.  Unless you are a close friend you don't know it.  In college, everyone thought I loved it because I requested off, but I hated it.  First day of the fall semester I put up whatever blocks I had for the day, and I didn't leave the house or my bed.  I did go to work yesterday.  It was difficult.  I hate it.

This year I was lucky, only my aunt, and two friends and one of those I let it slip to when my aunt called.  and my brother wished me a happy birthday.  My brother called me, I was up stairs in my room, didn't even do it face to face.  I don't know if his wife and him are respecting the fact I hate my birthday or if she just doesn't care.  I thought she would have the kids make me a card or something I thought she was going to.

People just read me wrong about all the birthday stuff.  I hate it.  It is hard for me to be grateful.

When I was with my ex it was easier I guess.  I still didn't get out bed on my birthday unless he was home.  The morning of my birthday he would wake me up with a spanking.  I usually got another at bedtime.  Friday night and at least once Saturday and Sunday and each one was at least the number of years I was.

I realized that this is the first year i haven't had a Birthday spanking since I turned 18.

19 was my first.  he was my sexual partner vanilla and dom master
20 was a dom that i can't even tell you his name
21-26 was my ex
27 was a friend and play partner

this year is a year off I guess.  LOL

but over all my birthdays suck.  always have since I was little always will I guess.