Saturday, February 2, 2013

Why is my mind so easy to fuck with? A friend demonizing another

I have two friends, forever known as Q and J.  You may want a few details.  If not skip the next two paragraphs.

Q, I have known since ’07.  I was still with my ex when I met him.  He nearly broke us up and I wish he would have.  We went years barely speaking.  My ex even gave me orders meant to alienate him.  In fact, I was ordered, no blacked mailed, no I am not sure what the word is for it, to out him as bisexual or be beaten, my car taken away, and kicked out.  He has forgiven me.  I have left it to him believe I have a loose tongue, because I should not have let my ex tell me to do it.  I am not sure what I feel for him now.  He was the first to ask if I was okay, after family.  I had waited until family knew before I posted it on facebook because after 6 years of being together I was afraid of fall out if I didn’t.  He has been there when he can be, but he works and he is in school.  He comes over and plays.  I have no fucking clue what we are.

J, I have known since high school.  In ’02, I believe we met.  We were best friends.  We both wanted more; I thought I was unworthy.  He went through girl friends while I sat on the sidelines wanting him, he dating toothpicks.  Well, he got one of them pregnant one he hated, he married her without a word to me.  He found me on myspace a few years ago, but I was told to cut off all contact and delete myspace.  I did.  After the break up, I found him facebook.  Well, we reconnected.  I have been talking to him.  He is in an unhappy marriage, but I refuse to sleep with him or be anything more than a friend.  He says he respects my wishes but he pushes. 

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is the fact.  J asks how I am and then he always asks how my “BF” or my “Boytoy” is, and as I am a submissive, it is weird to think of him as a boy toy.  Well, every time that we talk about Q it seems as if J demonizes Q.  I have asked him to stop.  I don’t know how to tell him to stop.  When he does it, I get clingier to Q, which then hurts that relationship, whatever that may be.  I don’t want to quit talking to J but how do I tell him to shut it.  I can’t be clingy to Q, because of what J says to.

Also by demonizing, I mean he says, well it doesn’t sound like he cares about you, or I would spend every weekend with you if I didn’t have my family.  I would never hit you, (which by the way isn’t turn on.)  I think I made it clear last night I feel something different with Q but I do not know if it sunk in. 

I can’t bug Q because he has work, school, and everything.  But after talking to J I often feel abandoned by Q.  How the fuck does that make sense?   

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