I have two friends, forever known as Q and J. You may want a few details. If not skip the next two paragraphs.
Q, I have known since ’07. I was still with my ex when I met him. He nearly broke us up and I wish he would have. We went years barely speaking. My ex even gave me orders meant to alienate him. In fact, I was ordered, no blacked mailed, no I am not sure what the word is for it, to out him as bisexual or be beaten, my car taken away, and kicked out. He has forgiven me. I have left it to him believe I have a loose tongue, because I should not have let my ex tell me to do it. I am not sure what I feel for him now. He was the first to ask if I was okay, after family. I had waited until family knew before I posted it on facebook because after 6 years of being together I was afraid of fall out if I didn’t. He has been there when he can be, but he works and he is in school. He comes over and plays. I have no fucking clue what we are.
J, I have known since high school. In ’02, I believe we met. We were best friends. We both wanted more; I thought I was unworthy. He went through girl friends while I sat on the sidelines wanting him, he dating toothpicks. Well, he got one of them pregnant one he hated, he married her without a word to me. He found me on myspace a few years ago, but I was told to cut off all contact and delete myspace. I did. After the break up, I found him facebook. Well, we reconnected. I have been talking to him. He is in an unhappy marriage, but I refuse to sleep with him or be anything more than a friend. He says he respects my wishes but he pushes.
Anyway, the purpose of this blog is the fact. J asks how I am and then he always asks how my “BF” or my “Boytoy” is, and as I am a submissive, it is weird to think of him as a boy toy. Well, every time that we talk about Q it seems as if J demonizes Q. I have asked him to stop. I don’t know how to tell him to stop. When he does it, I get clingier to Q, which then hurts that relationship, whatever that may be. I don’t want to quit talking to J but how do I tell him to shut it. I can’t be clingy to Q, because of what J says to.
Also by demonizing, I mean he says, well it doesn’t sound like he cares about you, or I would spend every weekend with you if I didn’t have my family. I would never hit you, (which by the way isn’t turn on.) I think I made it clear last night I feel something different with Q but I do not know if it sunk in.
I can’t bug Q because he has work, school, and everything. But after talking to J I often feel abandoned by Q. How the fuck does that make sense?