I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it. I hate it. I want that feeling to go away. It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.
I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.
I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.
I haven't dealt with these things in a long time. I hate these feelings. These feelings won't go away. Perhaps I only write this because it is late. I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep. I miss sleeping. I miss being headache free. I miss working sixty hours a week.
I miss going about a normal life. I want a life back. I want a life back. I want the life I had planned on last year. This time last year I had plans. Plans that did not include laying in bed. Laying here. I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.
Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6. I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it. But it made me feel human again for just a day.
It made feel like there are somethings that I can do. It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours. It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.
I paid for it dearly. Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have. I woke to take my pill. I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day. I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream. which I do a lot. But for one day I was human.
Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up. This is why I feel useless.
I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.