Catch up, living out of my car.

So I was staying with a guy who is dating a friend of mine and that was a mistake in itself.   

The guy I played with totally screwed me.  His wife didn't know.  He is saying I made it up and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I won't talk to him at all, now.  He used me.  The thing I I am not even mad he hurt me I am mad he hurt her.  

Back to the guy I was staying with he wanted me to cut my over time to clean his place, his chore list looked more like something to expect from dom type.  He also has made statements in the last couple of weeks that I needed to have my ass beat again, and he should just do it.  I decided I should get out while I had choice.  I am spending the night in my car with blankets.  It isn't too bad.  Tax season is right around the corner....  I can do this.   

Red flags... I see them everywhere.

I haven't written in nearly a year.  I don't know how to function on my own.  I am afraid to find someone.  I have made far too many mistakes in the past.  I see red flags in every person.  I swore to myself one red flag and I would refuse that potential.  A single warning sign.  I wonder is it possible for a person to have no red flags.

Can one person be free of red flags? 

Is it fair to ask that, when I wear a couple myself?

Am I making excuses again for why I don't want to date?

What cancels out redflags? 

Is it okay to allow certain redflags? 

He calls me Kitten.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dating a guy.  We will call him D.  He is awesome but this week has been hell.  He calls Kitten.

This week, I miss him.  I feel distant.  I miss him.  I don't know what is wrong with me.

Everything was going great.  I just need to see him.  Just for moment.  or hear that voice.  Or something.  I just don't feel very much like his this week.


we were doing great.  This is a bad time to be writing this.  I want to talk to him, but his kids are visiting.  It is too late to talk to anyone else.  depressing life.

New Year’s Resolutions

I think this is only the second year losing weight is not at the top of my list, however, I do not want to end the year at what I started this year.

Instead

*Stop trying to make everything so perfect.* Try to speed up.  That is how to fit into modern American society.  By modern, it has only been that way since what, the industrial age, which only sped only increased through the 70’s and 80’s.  If you know me, or simply look above and do rough math you will see a reason, I shouldn’t think this is normal. 

*Move on.* I mean, move out of my brothers.  Get a job, which will allow me to do so, full or part time, not limited to 24, but perhaps around it.  No more holding back.  Do what I want, meds will have to help, but it will have to be so. 

Last year, I had one goal to get better, do everything to do to get better, listen to every detail do everything.  I have notes a list of everything they told me to do.  I have a check list of when I did it.  While I am not going to go bash my head against the wall or other things ;-), not take my meds, or drink, I am done spending my time lying around.  I already started, ‘socializing once and a while, but not too much, maybe just a couple of hours a hours.’ lol, not sure if the dungeon I go to, is what she had in mind. 

*Acceptance.* This is what I am, headaches and all.  What I lost is gone. I like some of the same things.  However, I lost a lot and some is returning.  Stop worrying about what changes are from, my head injury and the break up. 

 (Though I really hope that *independence*, I was forming in the months between the break up and my injury comes back when I move, I think that was kind of fun.  I did a lot of things for myself; I would have never done, alone, before.  I was even making choices for myself without freaking out, something I have lost/losing.  I even went into a new restaurant and order something totally new, without asking any questions (other than allergens) and (omg) no planning.)   <-- is that weird for a submissive to say?

*Stop trying to pleasing everyone!!!*  It back fires.  If someone even hints it will make them happy I will bend over backwards to do it.  Unless you piss me off, then it has to involve cleaning, just hand me vinegar and a rag, and point me in the direction you want me to clean. (Oh, it has to be spotless.  If it isn’t spotless, we will have a problem.) 

*Apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault!!!*  I just fucking apologized for cutting a friend out of my life.  He did something so horrible, that it is unforgiveable, not to me, but it is something I could never look him in the face as a friend again.  This is the worst example.  

Okay list on my things I want to learn, some I may not be able to do though.

1.       *Oil change with oil and air filters,* I had asked to learn how to do this, but “you are not coming near this engine,” seemed reasonable, perhaps, it still is. 

2.       *Tire change* (even if I should not really be doing this, I still should learn how to do this).  I had been asking how to learn to do this from my ex for years.  Isn’t this one of those things I am suppose to know how to do. 

3.       *Re-learn Greek.* (Go through my basic Greek books)

4.       Do the Theogony or Works and Days in Greek

5.       Return to my old reading level

6.       Every last detail of all the office programs

7.       How to rewire a lamp.  (not the standard, but mine)!!!

8.       Find a local ear plug store. 

Perhaps not that order like maybe English before Greek… 

Tens unit: PT vs Play.

So I am at PT, with my back and neck hooked up to the tens unit.  I can’t feel the right side very much, so they the left side gets turned up quite high.  I am told to tell them until ‘you can feel it on your right side’ or ‘it becomes too much on your left’ or something like that.  This is nothing new.  I am on my sixth time this time.

Today, I heard him say, ‘That is as high as I am going.’

I am laying there thinking, well, today it is somewhat intense on my left side, but it could be higher.

Then I am thinking, hmmmm…  I wonder, how high is the voltage in comparison to play?

Also thankful that it did not turn me on.

and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    

Will I be allowed to move on? 

Is it safe for me to move on?

 When can I have sex?

 When can I play? 

When can I seek new dom? 

When can I do anything? 

When can I work full time?

How will I move on?

How will get my life back?

When will my headaches go away?

Will I be normal again?

Can I be normal again?

Is it possible for me to have a life again?

Will I always be like this?

Will I change again?

Am I going to continue to change?

Can I force myself to change?

It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.  

Moving out on my alone

I realized I have lived with a dominate personality since I was 20, someone who always told me what to do.  December ’05 to November ’06 was with my brother and his wife and their two year old.  My sister in law pretty much is the type that it is better to back away in an argument and accept what she says and do what she says. 

From then until July ’12 I lived with my ex.  Until that first summer, it was just in the bedroom but then there was a trigger and he hit a jealous rages.  To avoid them, I did exactly as any slave should do, whatever he said when he said, at first, it was good, but then it goes beyond this post.  The point is I went where he said, I clean what he said.  He said if it was cleaned enough, good enough, if I missed a spot. 

After I moved in here in November, I have gone rounds with my sister in law about how I clean.  The first time I cleaned while I was here, I told her exactly what I did and what I missed, I was tired, (it was after my injury).  It had been a few years since I had cleaned for someone who was not my ex. 

*Anyway,* I suddenly realized I will hopefully soon be moving out for the first time. 

I have started to move out on my own before and have the same thoughts and feelings they come to me in waves.  I am 28 now and never have lived alone.  I mean the closest thing to alone I had was sleeping in my car for a few and couch hopping and staying awake in a gas station (did you notice that gap) until my sister in law found out, in I think September but that was their old house so it was still like couch hopping.  What is it like?  Like living on your own?  No one telling you what to do?  But at the same time not telling you it is time to clean? 

I get to decide where everything is going to go.  However, it will have to be to optimize wall space for books, so not much choice, once you think about it.  

My birthday

I am happy it is over.  Perhaps a little too happy.  See I hate my birthday.  It was yesterday.  I don't get out of bed on my birthday.  I usually request off of work, skip class (when I was in college).  My grandmother's was on the 3rd and we celebrated together for 10 years until she died.  Two days before my 13th her mother died.  I hate my birthday.

I don't have my birthday visible on Facebook.  Unless you are a close friend you don't know it.  In college, everyone thought I loved it because I requested off, but I hated it.  First day of the fall semester I put up whatever blocks I had for the day, and I didn't leave the house or my bed.  I did go to work yesterday.  It was difficult.  I hate it.

This year I was lucky, only my aunt, and two friends and one of those I let it slip to when my aunt called.  and my brother wished me a happy birthday.  My brother called me, I was up stairs in my room, didn't even do it face to face.  I don't know if his wife and him are respecting the fact I hate my birthday or if she just doesn't care.  I thought she would have the kids make me a card or something I thought she was going to.

People just read me wrong about all the birthday stuff.  I hate it.  It is hard for me to be grateful.


When I was with my ex it was easier I guess.  I still didn't get out bed on my birthday unless he was home.  The morning of my birthday he would wake me up with a spanking.  I usually got another at bedtime.  Friday night and at least once Saturday and Sunday and each one was at least the number of years I was.

I realized that this is the first year i haven't had a Birthday spanking since I turned 18.

19 was my first.  he was my sexual partner vanilla and dom master
20 was a dom that i can't even tell you his name
21-26 was my ex
27 was a friend and play partner

this year is a year off I guess.  LOL

but over all my birthdays suck.  always have since I was little always will I guess.

Conversations with a female friend: about dating each other.

<Crossed posted from Fetlife>
She says: I would so date you if you were a guy, but you are female and we are both straight.
I laughed: Are you sure?
She laughed: Yes. Aren’t you?
I chuckled: Well, it wouldn’t matter, you aren’t open enough sexually for us to compatible.
(My way of saying you are way the fuck too vanilla for me. I was trying to be nice. Did you guys know you could have sex without any biting scratching or anything of sort? I mean any at all. No one grabbing you and holding you place. No pulling you back when you try to wiggle away from their tongue or fingers. I did know that, until she told me. Wow, I thought I had vanilla sex once or twice, but I guess I was wrong.) Anyway back to the point.
She goes on: I am open sexually.
I laughed: Now, think about everything I have ever told you.
She went silent: Okay, but you never answered the straight question.
I laughed: I have never really came to the position where it has come up.

We talk, more than anyone. We call each other nearly every night to say good night.

There was a lot more to it but that was the main points.

The last line comes from: I had a coworker/friend who was hitting on me I am not sure if it was in fun, seriousness, or both, probably both. However, I wonder now if I was more open then what would have happened.

My question is while I have only been attracted to males, is it so far, or is it the way I am? Is it possible that I just haven’t met a female I am attracted to? I am not saying this actually applies to anyone or me. Is this an actual possibility?

My friend and I are really close friends, but I have no sexual attraction. However, I have another friend that there are times I feel uncomfortable sleeping next to. She had gotten a new mattress and we laid down for I swear five minutes. We woke up next to each other, really close to each other, in a rather awkward position. I am not uncomfortable, because it freaks me out she is a girl, but because she is my friend. However, is that true? Or does it make me uncomfortable because she is a girl?

Fantasy vs Reality

So, I am a mod in a group on FetLife and I was editing some of the sticks and separating fantasy and reality. Well, I think that has been a problem, for me lately. Q has said I am too attached, and it is true. It is really true. We are really supposed to be only friends but I had begun to think way too much about him. He is the first person I think of when something is bothering me. I am trying hard to stop. I deleted his text messages. I created a list on Facebook which is pretty much everyone except Q. I have skype showing facebook contacts so I don’t see him. I had focused so much on little things he said. For instance, he once said he wanted to take control. He said other things indicating he wanted more. I was not ready when he said it. I am now, but now he is not. Maybe I am not. Maybe it was made up in my head. Then again, I did fail him. I failed to trust him. I failed to not bother him. I just failed him. He asked me to back off. I have. I have cried less than I thought I would, but it is only for now. I hope that when I contact him again that I will not feel as attached. I know it will difficult if he wishes to play. At least the first time we see each other again there will be no play, I think. Either way I am just a failure I don’t deserve him. Maybe if I had stopped everything it would have been better, I do mean during our last play session, when I should have. Reality, at least now, we are only friends who happen to do kinky things, yet we haven’t seen each other without fucking in a while. So new rules for me, One, don’t tell a fucking soul what I feel; if I kept it in he wouldn’t know I how badly I failed him. Two, don’t apologize for my feelings (referring to J and my ex) Three, no contacting Q until the 27th for anything. I will answer him but I won’t initiate anything.