Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.  

Pharmacies

They changed my pain cream without telling me.  It better be the same shit.  I will be pissed, if not.  Aren't they suppose to warn you about that.  Assholes.  I am fucking pissed off.  I don't like it.  They shouldn't do that shit to your prescriptions.  GRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Medical

I haven't kept this up to date much, but I am going to start.  I need somewhere to talk about my injury.  Facebook isn't good.  FetLife isn't good because I started going to munches.  So to state where I am and was.

In November I was attacked at work, and received a concussion.  I have post concussion syndrome which is a traumatic brain injury.  I failed to get proper treatment, and was denied it.  I had a horrible doctor and I was too out of it to realize it.  I don't really remember about three months.  I have flashes but no real memories.  Before the injury my memories are like reading books no feeling.

My short term memory is returning, my speech has mostly returned.  I still dislike reading, something I use to love.  My face on the right side is numb. I scratch it a lot.  My arm is numb, it is great for shots and blood work.  :)

I have been fighting workers compensation non stop for money and medical care.

I haven't slept through the night since my injury.  I am just tired all the time.  I cannot stand sounds at all.  Ear plugs are my friend.

I am also losing weight at an alarming rate.

I am using a lot of pain meds.  I am sort of happy it isn't oral medication.

I started going to munch and went to the dungeon though playing is out of the question for right now.  I think it is too dangerous... who knows.

I am afraid, angry, want

I am afraid:
That the pain won’t go away.
That I might be suicidal.
Of the thoughts that keep entering my mind.
That I will find out that it would have been fixable if they had gotten to it sooner.
There is nothing to be done.
There is something invasive to be done.
I will be a vegetable.
I am just tired.
I am weak.
That I burnt my hand and didn’t notice it.
That my pain tolerance is raising.

I am angry:
That I am weak.
That I feel like I have to fake it.
That I want to fake a smile.
That there I feel so hopeless.
I want to disappear.
I want it to go away.
That I feel like ending it.
Like it should go away.
That workers comp is fighting every turn.
That I thought of looking up the highest bridge over water in my area.
That someone would have to find my body.
I thought of ways to destroy my body completely, but I cannot.
The ocean and sometimes deep in the woods are the only places people never show up.
Two places I cannot make it alone.
I hate to have these thoughts.

All I want is:
for it all to go away.
to pain free.
to be functional again.
to move on.
to move out of my brothers
to work.
To be an adult.


I was human
Now I am nothing. I am a disgrace.
I am useless.