Wtf was that? And Poly?

I have thoughts.  I have stuff I need to get out.  I am not sure how to say it.  I am not sure if what happen is worthy of talking about.  I sort of played with someone on Saturday night.  I am not sure if it was play.  It was new.  He didn't hurt me.  He barely touched even me.  He was able to put me like almost on a different plane just by talking.   I don't know what to even call it.    It certainly messed with my head in a good way.

I thought it was clear where we stood.   I thought he was married, so just play.  But recent convo has led me to think it may end up with more.    I don't know how to deal with that portion.

For the record his wife knows he plays.  

Being alone

 I suck at being alone, on my own.  No one to take care of, to cook for, to clean for.  No one to tell me when to do stuff, to make sure I go to work.

I suck at not having someone there telling me it is Okay to cry.


Yes I am lonely, but I am pissed off that I can't do it on my own.  I want to do it on my own but I don't know how.

I don't know how to find someone.  I tried Cupid, it sucked.  I did Alt in the past and that was just bad.   I don't know how to date.

Life sucks.  I don't know how to make it better.

Red flags... I see them everywhere.

I haven't written in nearly a year.  I don't know how to function on my own.  I am afraid to find someone.  I have made far too many mistakes in the past.  I see red flags in every person.  I swore to myself one red flag and I would refuse that potential.  A single warning sign.  I wonder is it possible for a person to have no red flags.

Can one person be free of red flags? 

Is it fair to ask that, when I wear a couple myself?

Am I making excuses again for why I don't want to date?

What cancels out redflags? 

Is it okay to allow certain redflags?