and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    

Will I be allowed to move on? 

Is it safe for me to move on?

 When can I have sex?

 When can I play? 

When can I seek new dom? 

When can I do anything? 

When can I work full time?

How will I move on?

How will get my life back?

When will my headaches go away?

Will I be normal again?

Can I be normal again?

Is it possible for me to have a life again?

Will I always be like this?

Will I change again?

Am I going to continue to change?

Can I force myself to change?

It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

My birthday

I am happy it is over.  Perhaps a little too happy.  See I hate my birthday.  It was yesterday.  I don't get out of bed on my birthday.  I usually request off of work, skip class (when I was in college).  My grandmother's was on the 3rd and we celebrated together for 10 years until she died.  Two days before my 13th her mother died.  I hate my birthday.

I don't have my birthday visible on Facebook.  Unless you are a close friend you don't know it.  In college, everyone thought I loved it because I requested off, but I hated it.  First day of the fall semester I put up whatever blocks I had for the day, and I didn't leave the house or my bed.  I did go to work yesterday.  It was difficult.  I hate it.

This year I was lucky, only my aunt, and two friends and one of those I let it slip to when my aunt called.  and my brother wished me a happy birthday.  My brother called me, I was up stairs in my room, didn't even do it face to face.  I don't know if his wife and him are respecting the fact I hate my birthday or if she just doesn't care.  I thought she would have the kids make me a card or something I thought she was going to.

People just read me wrong about all the birthday stuff.  I hate it.  It is hard for me to be grateful.


When I was with my ex it was easier I guess.  I still didn't get out bed on my birthday unless he was home.  The morning of my birthday he would wake me up with a spanking.  I usually got another at bedtime.  Friday night and at least once Saturday and Sunday and each one was at least the number of years I was.

I realized that this is the first year i haven't had a Birthday spanking since I turned 18.

19 was my first.  he was my sexual partner vanilla and dom master
20 was a dom that i can't even tell you his name
21-26 was my ex
27 was a friend and play partner

this year is a year off I guess.  LOL

but over all my birthdays suck.  always have since I was little always will I guess.

Try, Try, Try

Try to clean the bathroom, too clean or not enough.

Save kittens, 'I miss my cat.' Well, why the fuck didn't you get the fucking thing spayed! I just took three to a no kill shelter. and now your fucking cat is pregnant!  You gave me permission to take you cat without asking where it was going who had if you could visit and now you want to ask.  I don't know their last names!!!

 Go to work on short notice.  I told I am going into a doctor's appointment.  If I am late getting out I will be late getting there.  I am late, out of uniform, and I stay late!!!!!!!!

Now, why the fuck do I feel like shit today??????????????????

Someone please tell me why I feel like shit????  I try and do nothing get nothing done.

Medical

I haven't kept this up to date much, but I am going to start.  I need somewhere to talk about my injury.  Facebook isn't good.  FetLife isn't good because I started going to munches.  So to state where I am and was.

In November I was attacked at work, and received a concussion.  I have post concussion syndrome which is a traumatic brain injury.  I failed to get proper treatment, and was denied it.  I had a horrible doctor and I was too out of it to realize it.  I don't really remember about three months.  I have flashes but no real memories.  Before the injury my memories are like reading books no feeling.

My short term memory is returning, my speech has mostly returned.  I still dislike reading, something I use to love.  My face on the right side is numb. I scratch it a lot.  My arm is numb, it is great for shots and blood work.  :)

I have been fighting workers compensation non stop for money and medical care.

I haven't slept through the night since my injury.  I am just tired all the time.  I cannot stand sounds at all.  Ear plugs are my friend.

I am also losing weight at an alarming rate.

I am using a lot of pain meds.  I am sort of happy it isn't oral medication.

I started going to munch and went to the dungeon though playing is out of the question for right now.  I think it is too dangerous... who knows.

I am afraid, angry, want

I am afraid:
That the pain won’t go away.
That I might be suicidal.
Of the thoughts that keep entering my mind.
That I will find out that it would have been fixable if they had gotten to it sooner.
There is nothing to be done.
There is something invasive to be done.
I will be a vegetable.
I am just tired.
I am weak.
That I burnt my hand and didn’t notice it.
That my pain tolerance is raising.

I am angry:
That I am weak.
That I feel like I have to fake it.
That I want to fake a smile.
That there I feel so hopeless.
I want to disappear.
I want it to go away.
That I feel like ending it.
Like it should go away.
That workers comp is fighting every turn.
That I thought of looking up the highest bridge over water in my area.
That someone would have to find my body.
I thought of ways to destroy my body completely, but I cannot.
The ocean and sometimes deep in the woods are the only places people never show up.
Two places I cannot make it alone.
I hate to have these thoughts.

All I want is:
for it all to go away.
to pain free.
to be functional again.
to move on.
to move out of my brothers
to work.
To be an adult.


I was human
Now I am nothing. I am a disgrace.
I am useless.