Friends

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend who was having a crises.  It felt good to be there for someone else.  It showed me that yes I can continue to be someone who cares.  That I have that left in me.

It helped me more than her I think.

I tired today though.  I must go to work tomorrow.

New Year’s Resolutions

I think this is only the second year losing weight is not at the top of my list, however, I do not want to end the year at what I started this year.

Instead

*Stop trying to make everything so perfect.* Try to speed up.  That is how to fit into modern American society.  By modern, it has only been that way since what, the industrial age, which only sped only increased through the 70’s and 80’s.  If you know me, or simply look above and do rough math you will see a reason, I shouldn’t think this is normal. 

*Move on.* I mean, move out of my brothers.  Get a job, which will allow me to do so, full or part time, not limited to 24, but perhaps around it.  No more holding back.  Do what I want, meds will have to help, but it will have to be so. 

Last year, I had one goal to get better, do everything to do to get better, listen to every detail do everything.  I have notes a list of everything they told me to do.  I have a check list of when I did it.  While I am not going to go bash my head against the wall or other things ;-), not take my meds, or drink, I am done spending my time lying around.  I already started, ‘socializing once and a while, but not too much, maybe just a couple of hours a hours.’ lol, not sure if the dungeon I go to, is what she had in mind. 

*Acceptance.* This is what I am, headaches and all.  What I lost is gone. I like some of the same things.  However, I lost a lot and some is returning.  Stop worrying about what changes are from, my head injury and the break up. 

 (Though I really hope that *independence*, I was forming in the months between the break up and my injury comes back when I move, I think that was kind of fun.  I did a lot of things for myself; I would have never done, alone, before.  I was even making choices for myself without freaking out, something I have lost/losing.  I even went into a new restaurant and order something totally new, without asking any questions (other than allergens) and (omg) no planning.)   <-- is that weird for a submissive to say?

*Stop trying to pleasing everyone!!!*  It back fires.  If someone even hints it will make them happy I will bend over backwards to do it.  Unless you piss me off, then it has to involve cleaning, just hand me vinegar and a rag, and point me in the direction you want me to clean. (Oh, it has to be spotless.  If it isn’t spotless, we will have a problem.) 

*Apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault!!!*  I just fucking apologized for cutting a friend out of my life.  He did something so horrible, that it is unforgiveable, not to me, but it is something I could never look him in the face as a friend again.  This is the worst example.  

Okay list on my things I want to learn, some I may not be able to do though.

1.       *Oil change with oil and air filters,* I had asked to learn how to do this, but “you are not coming near this engine,” seemed reasonable, perhaps, it still is. 

2.       *Tire change* (even if I should not really be doing this, I still should learn how to do this).  I had been asking how to learn to do this from my ex for years.  Isn’t this one of those things I am suppose to know how to do. 

3.       *Re-learn Greek.* (Go through my basic Greek books)

4.       Do the Theogony or Works and Days in Greek

5.       Return to my old reading level

6.       Every last detail of all the office programs

7.       How to rewire a lamp.  (not the standard, but mine)!!!

8.       Find a local ear plug store. 

Perhaps not that order like maybe English before Greek… 

My birthday

I am happy it is over.  Perhaps a little too happy.  See I hate my birthday.  It was yesterday.  I don't get out of bed on my birthday.  I usually request off of work, skip class (when I was in college).  My grandmother's was on the 3rd and we celebrated together for 10 years until she died.  Two days before my 13th her mother died.  I hate my birthday.

I don't have my birthday visible on Facebook.  Unless you are a close friend you don't know it.  In college, everyone thought I loved it because I requested off, but I hated it.  First day of the fall semester I put up whatever blocks I had for the day, and I didn't leave the house or my bed.  I did go to work yesterday.  It was difficult.  I hate it.

This year I was lucky, only my aunt, and two friends and one of those I let it slip to when my aunt called.  and my brother wished me a happy birthday.  My brother called me, I was up stairs in my room, didn't even do it face to face.  I don't know if his wife and him are respecting the fact I hate my birthday or if she just doesn't care.  I thought she would have the kids make me a card or something I thought she was going to.

People just read me wrong about all the birthday stuff.  I hate it.  It is hard for me to be grateful.


When I was with my ex it was easier I guess.  I still didn't get out bed on my birthday unless he was home.  The morning of my birthday he would wake me up with a spanking.  I usually got another at bedtime.  Friday night and at least once Saturday and Sunday and each one was at least the number of years I was.

I realized that this is the first year i haven't had a Birthday spanking since I turned 18.

19 was my first.  he was my sexual partner vanilla and dom master
20 was a dom that i can't even tell you his name
21-26 was my ex
27 was a friend and play partner

this year is a year off I guess.  LOL

but over all my birthdays suck.  always have since I was little always will I guess.

Conversations with a female friend: about dating each other.

<Crossed posted from Fetlife>
She says: I would so date you if you were a guy, but you are female and we are both straight.
I laughed: Are you sure?
She laughed: Yes. Aren’t you?
I chuckled: Well, it wouldn’t matter, you aren’t open enough sexually for us to compatible.
(My way of saying you are way the fuck too vanilla for me. I was trying to be nice. Did you guys know you could have sex without any biting scratching or anything of sort? I mean any at all. No one grabbing you and holding you place. No pulling you back when you try to wiggle away from their tongue or fingers. I did know that, until she told me. Wow, I thought I had vanilla sex once or twice, but I guess I was wrong.) Anyway back to the point.
She goes on: I am open sexually.
I laughed: Now, think about everything I have ever told you.
She went silent: Okay, but you never answered the straight question.
I laughed: I have never really came to the position where it has come up.

We talk, more than anyone. We call each other nearly every night to say good night.

There was a lot more to it but that was the main points.

The last line comes from: I had a coworker/friend who was hitting on me I am not sure if it was in fun, seriousness, or both, probably both. However, I wonder now if I was more open then what would have happened.

My question is while I have only been attracted to males, is it so far, or is it the way I am? Is it possible that I just haven’t met a female I am attracted to? I am not saying this actually applies to anyone or me. Is this an actual possibility?

My friend and I are really close friends, but I have no sexual attraction. However, I have another friend that there are times I feel uncomfortable sleeping next to. She had gotten a new mattress and we laid down for I swear five minutes. We woke up next to each other, really close to each other, in a rather awkward position. I am not uncomfortable, because it freaks me out she is a girl, but because she is my friend. However, is that true? Or does it make me uncomfortable because she is a girl?

Sometimes it’s better to be alone nobody can hurt you

Well the picture, I found on Facebook. Perhaps it is better to be alone. Away from my ex, he cannot hurt me. Away from another relationship, no one else can hurt me. My niece and nephew were gone for more than 48 hours and my brother asked me why Q hadn’t came over. I simply told my brother that I had became too attached and he wanted me to back off. My brother had no words. I thought about asking him over as a friend but I think it is still too soon. I hope I was right in saying nothing. It was hard not to. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can have a life in which I have less time to think. It will be easier I believe. At least I know where I stand. With J, I always held hope for him. I always had this candle for him, up to the point that I heard he was married, from someone else. I will keep my distance and detached until he tells me not to do so. He told me I should have pushed more, made my feelings more clear. He said we missed our chance. I missed one chance with Q, what if I ruined my second chance. I really need to quit analyzing this. I need to find something to write about. Forgetting about being with anyone is better. Staying alone is better. If I keep remembering that I don’t have a chance with Q, now, then he cannot hurt me when he chooses another to fuck.

Fantasy vs Reality

So, I am a mod in a group on FetLife and I was editing some of the sticks and separating fantasy and reality. Well, I think that has been a problem, for me lately. Q has said I am too attached, and it is true. It is really true. We are really supposed to be only friends but I had begun to think way too much about him. He is the first person I think of when something is bothering me. I am trying hard to stop. I deleted his text messages. I created a list on Facebook which is pretty much everyone except Q. I have skype showing facebook contacts so I don’t see him. I had focused so much on little things he said. For instance, he once said he wanted to take control. He said other things indicating he wanted more. I was not ready when he said it. I am now, but now he is not. Maybe I am not. Maybe it was made up in my head. Then again, I did fail him. I failed to trust him. I failed to not bother him. I just failed him. He asked me to back off. I have. I have cried less than I thought I would, but it is only for now. I hope that when I contact him again that I will not feel as attached. I know it will difficult if he wishes to play. At least the first time we see each other again there will be no play, I think. Either way I am just a failure I don’t deserve him. Maybe if I had stopped everything it would have been better, I do mean during our last play session, when I should have. Reality, at least now, we are only friends who happen to do kinky things, yet we haven’t seen each other without fucking in a while. So new rules for me, One, don’t tell a fucking soul what I feel; if I kept it in he wouldn’t know I how badly I failed him. Two, don’t apologize for my feelings (referring to J and my ex) Three, no contacting Q until the 27th for anything. I will answer him but I won’t initiate anything.