Tens unit: PT vs Play.

So I am at PT, with my back and neck hooked up to the tens unit.  I can’t feel the right side very much, so they the left side gets turned up quite high.  I am told to tell them until ‘you can feel it on your right side’ or ‘it becomes too much on your left’ or something like that.  This is nothing new.  I am on my sixth time this time.

Today, I heard him say, ‘That is as high as I am going.’

I am laying there thinking, well, today it is somewhat intense on my left side, but it could be higher.

Then I am thinking, hmmmm…  I wonder, how high is the voltage in comparison to play?

Also thankful that it did not turn me on.

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.  

Moving out on my alone

I realized I have lived with a dominate personality since I was 20, someone who always told me what to do.  December ’05 to November ’06 was with my brother and his wife and their two year old.  My sister in law pretty much is the type that it is better to back away in an argument and accept what she says and do what she says. 

From then until July ’12 I lived with my ex.  Until that first summer, it was just in the bedroom but then there was a trigger and he hit a jealous rages.  To avoid them, I did exactly as any slave should do, whatever he said when he said, at first, it was good, but then it goes beyond this post.  The point is I went where he said, I clean what he said.  He said if it was cleaned enough, good enough, if I missed a spot. 

After I moved in here in November, I have gone rounds with my sister in law about how I clean.  The first time I cleaned while I was here, I told her exactly what I did and what I missed, I was tired, (it was after my injury).  It had been a few years since I had cleaned for someone who was not my ex. 

*Anyway,* I suddenly realized I will hopefully soon be moving out for the first time. 

I have started to move out on my own before and have the same thoughts and feelings they come to me in waves.  I am 28 now and never have lived alone.  I mean the closest thing to alone I had was sleeping in my car for a few and couch hopping and staying awake in a gas station (did you notice that gap) until my sister in law found out, in I think September but that was their old house so it was still like couch hopping.  What is it like?  Like living on your own?  No one telling you what to do?  But at the same time not telling you it is time to clean? 

I get to decide where everything is going to go.  However, it will have to be to optimize wall space for books, so not much choice, once you think about it.  

I am afraid, angry, want

I am afraid:
That the pain won’t go away.
That I might be suicidal.
Of the thoughts that keep entering my mind.
That I will find out that it would have been fixable if they had gotten to it sooner.
There is nothing to be done.
There is something invasive to be done.
I will be a vegetable.
I am just tired.
I am weak.
That I burnt my hand and didn’t notice it.
That my pain tolerance is raising.

I am angry:
That I am weak.
That I feel like I have to fake it.
That I want to fake a smile.
That there I feel so hopeless.
I want to disappear.
I want it to go away.
That I feel like ending it.
Like it should go away.
That workers comp is fighting every turn.
That I thought of looking up the highest bridge over water in my area.
That someone would have to find my body.
I thought of ways to destroy my body completely, but I cannot.
The ocean and sometimes deep in the woods are the only places people never show up.
Two places I cannot make it alone.
I hate to have these thoughts.

All I want is:
for it all to go away.
to pain free.
to be functional again.
to move on.
to move out of my brothers
to work.
To be an adult.


I was human
Now I am nothing. I am a disgrace.
I am useless.