Friends

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend who was having a crises.  It felt good to be there for someone else.  It showed me that yes I can continue to be someone who cares.  That I have that left in me.

It helped me more than her I think.

I tired today though.  I must go to work tomorrow.

Being alone

 I suck at being alone, on my own.  No one to take care of, to cook for, to clean for.  No one to tell me when to do stuff, to make sure I go to work.

I suck at not having someone there telling me it is Okay to cry.


Yes I am lonely, but I am pissed off that I can't do it on my own.  I want to do it on my own but I don't know how.

I don't know how to find someone.  I tried Cupid, it sucked.  I did Alt in the past and that was just bad.   I don't know how to date.

Life sucks.  I don't know how to make it better.

and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    

Will I be allowed to move on? 

Is it safe for me to move on?

 When can I have sex?

 When can I play? 

When can I seek new dom? 

When can I do anything? 

When can I work full time?

How will I move on?

How will get my life back?

When will my headaches go away?

Will I be normal again?

Can I be normal again?

Is it possible for me to have a life again?

Will I always be like this?

Will I change again?

Am I going to continue to change?

Can I force myself to change?

It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.