I can do this.

The first Wal-Mart was noisy.  This one is better.  It warm for December so this is better.  No allergy attacks.   I am safer in my car than I was with him.  I need to laundry if for no other reason to clean my car out.   Also I have extra blankets that I may need eventually.  

I can do this.  I make this work.   I do want to find a couple of other places to park so I don't become a fixture though.  

Catch up, living out of my car.

So I was staying with a guy who is dating a friend of mine and that was a mistake in itself.   

The guy I played with totally screwed me.  His wife didn't know.  He is saying I made it up and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I won't talk to him at all, now.  He used me.  The thing I I am not even mad he hurt me I am mad he hurt her.  

Back to the guy I was staying with he wanted me to cut my over time to clean his place, his chore list looked more like something to expect from dom type.  He also has made statements in the last couple of weeks that I needed to have my ass beat again, and he should just do it.  I decided I should get out while I had choice.  I am spending the night in my car with blankets.  It isn't too bad.  Tax season is right around the corner....  I can do this.   

Eviction.

So this just a quick update.

I got evicted because I couldn't afford my apartment.  I need to get my bills caught up and spend more time workings.  I need to find a new job. 

I need to do a lot of things.  

Money sucks right now.

My cat isn't with me. She is at another place.  I am just trying to breathe.  I am sleeping on a couch right now.  I am just so tired of it all.

I am feeling suicidal but I can't say anything to anyone about that.  Perhaps not suicidal but definitely want to cut.  Far more than usual.  

Wtf was that? And Poly?

I have thoughts.  I have stuff I need to get out.  I am not sure how to say it.  I am not sure if what happen is worthy of talking about.  I sort of played with someone on Saturday night.  I am not sure if it was play.  It was new.  He didn't hurt me.  He barely touched even me.  He was able to put me like almost on a different plane just by talking.   I don't know what to even call it.    It certainly messed with my head in a good way.

I thought it was clear where we stood.   I thought he was married, so just play.  But recent convo has led me to think it may end up with more.    I don't know how to deal with that portion.

For the record his wife knows he plays.  

America has not been a forerunner in giving equality, as it should.

Even as a little girl when I was being raised as a Christian I was also taught to be grateful to be in America, where we are allowed to worship as we please.  Now, as an adult, as an agnostic, this freedom, means the freedom not to worship.  This also means that we are surrounded by those who are different yet deserve the same rights.

In a group that prays, I bite my tongue and remain quiet until they are done.  I choose not pray, but I don't say out law it.

I am pro-choice, so long as the fetus is not viable.  Perhaps I won't agree with every woman's reason but I don't think the government should share what is acceptable.  If I become pregnant I will miscarry, so really abortion is not a question I have been faced with.  One thing I do know, is that no woman should be forced to have an abortion nor forced to be sterilized.

With regards to marriage, it is very likely when I marry, it will be to a man.  Same sex marriage does not lessen the value of heterosexual marriages.  Same-sex marriage should simply make you happy that you live in a country that allows you to marry who you please.  That you marry who you love.  That the government doesn't dictate who you love.

It is my opinion that America should have been the first to give the freedom to marry, nation wide, but in looking back to history, America has not been a forerunner in giving equality, as it should.

Friends

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend who was having a crises.  It felt good to be there for someone else.  It showed me that yes I can continue to be someone who cares.  That I have that left in me.

It helped me more than her I think.

I tired today though.  I must go to work tomorrow.

Being alone

 I suck at being alone, on my own.  No one to take care of, to cook for, to clean for.  No one to tell me when to do stuff, to make sure I go to work.

I suck at not having someone there telling me it is Okay to cry.


Yes I am lonely, but I am pissed off that I can't do it on my own.  I want to do it on my own but I don't know how.

I don't know how to find someone.  I tried Cupid, it sucked.  I did Alt in the past and that was just bad.   I don't know how to date.

Life sucks.  I don't know how to make it better.

Ticks

Ticks is my kitty.  She has been with me since 2007.  She is my love.  She was there through an abusive relationship, through my healing of my head injury.  She really takes care of me as much as I do her.  She was five and half then, now she is now 14.  Enjoy a few pictures.

From May 2014

January 2015

June 7, 2015

She is still adorable!!!

Red flags... I see them everywhere.

I haven't written in nearly a year.  I don't know how to function on my own.  I am afraid to find someone.  I have made far too many mistakes in the past.  I see red flags in every person.  I swore to myself one red flag and I would refuse that potential.  A single warning sign.  I wonder is it possible for a person to have no red flags.

Can one person be free of red flags? 

Is it fair to ask that, when I wear a couple myself?

Am I making excuses again for why I don't want to date?

What cancels out redflags? 

Is it okay to allow certain redflags? 

We talked.

So D and began chatting here and there.  We haven't said a lot other than only friends. He asked me on the fourth to the movies but I freaked and said I had to clean my bathroom.   I don't want him as my master but as my friend. Or do I want him as more.  All I know is he is the only friend I have.  

Good news is I asked him to the movies tonight and he is too tired for them tonight too busy tomorrow.   

Or is that bad news.

I should have never gone ahead started my life again.  

I hate my job and I suck at it.  I sucked at my first relationship.  

I feel better physically.   Or can I just not feel it?   

He no longer calls me kitten.

Okay so big catch up time.  At the beginning of January I began dating a man I called D in an earlier post.  He was fantastic. He sent flowers to me at work and left notes on my car.  He agave me strenghth when I had none. I never felt lonely.  I felt like I always had someone there.  He was my dominate and he was on his way I had thought of becoming my Master. 

Well, shortly after I wrote that a post he broke up with me.  I thought everything was great.  But that break up was due to the age difference.  He said I disgusted him. I made him feel like an evil person.  That he didn't see me like a kitten. 

Well we were civil. Talked a bit. As friends.  He helped me move.  We alone for five seconds. We didn't keep our hands off of each other.  It seemed so natural. It was like it was meant to be. He was my dom. He was meant to be mine. He responded back. I needed him. I wanted to be his. I wanted to hear kitten. 

I was his for two short weeks. He then told me he was dumping me for an old friend of his.  We didn't even have time to talk in that time to see if it would have worked. I am glad in a way.  He didn't have time to collar me.  I am glad for that. I am glad that over all we were always in the puppy love stage. The sucky part is that both times I was just begining to think that it was okay.  But it was't.  Me feeling okaye wasn't okay for him.  

The second break up has hit me harder in a few ways.  I am angrier.  But I can get out of bed most mornings.  I guess the change of schedule at the same time helped a lot.  I hate him and myself. I want him back but I don't. I hope his new Girl Friend dumps him but I would be fucking insane if I ever took him back. 

I will probably see him tomorrow, or now it would be today.  I am terrified.  I want him to ignore me.  I want a reason to go off on him.  I want him to call me kitten. I want him to hold me.  I want him not to be there.  I  can't stop going because I have no other friends than what is in the community.  I feel so alone since he broke up with me.  Maybe even more so than before. I hate being in my apartment. I hate that I have so many negative feelings toward him.  I hate that I can't control my feeling more so.  But I don't know how to.  

I finally replaced my computer

Yay!!!!

He calls me Kitten.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dating a guy.  We will call him D.  He is awesome but this week has been hell.  He calls Kitten.

This week, I miss him.  I feel distant.  I miss him.  I don't know what is wrong with me.

Everything was going great.  I just need to see him.  Just for moment.  or hear that voice.  Or something.  I just don't feel very much like his this week.


we were doing great.  This is a bad time to be writing this.  I want to talk to him, but his kids are visiting.  It is too late to talk to anyone else.  depressing life.

Why X~Mas sucks!

You build traditions over a space of years.  If you take in traditions that was built in by your own family growing up and blend them into your partner’s traditions, it makes it all the worse.  It is so hard to wipe him out.  We had our traditions set, we celebrated at my aunt’s xmas eve, with my family.  We did ours x mas morning, his family xmas evening.  All together shopping was a blast, 7 nephew and nieces, 4 siblings and in laws, his parents, four aunts and uncles, five cousins, plus each other and that is just those we plan to buy for; sometimes there are ones who were visiting that we would add to the mix.  Cards were insane.  I haven’t sent out cards the last two years because of my issues regardless. 

I didn’t have the ability to adjust last year.  I was too out of it.  I just sort of went with it. 

This year I live with my brother and I still have no one to spend it with.  I will be in my room alone.  I have no one to spend it with.  I will be alone.  Perhaps I will go to a Chinese restaurant to eat. 

I have no tradition.  Just me and my cat.  Just me and my lovely adorable cat. 

I lost my hours all of them.  I have been so depressed these past couple of days that I didn’t get out of bed for anything.  I went a full day without feeding my cat.  I can’t believe that. 

Next year I will have my own tradition.  It will be mine and mine alone.  No more sharing holiday crap with people and traditions and habits with other people.  Maybe I need to break the habit of going to the dungeon every two weeks.  But I think I will wait until I move.  Right now, I need something to look forward to, something that is not horrible. 

New Year’s Resolutions

I think this is only the second year losing weight is not at the top of my list, however, I do not want to end the year at what I started this year.

Instead

*Stop trying to make everything so perfect.* Try to speed up.  That is how to fit into modern American society.  By modern, it has only been that way since what, the industrial age, which only sped only increased through the 70’s and 80’s.  If you know me, or simply look above and do rough math you will see a reason, I shouldn’t think this is normal. 

*Move on.* I mean, move out of my brothers.  Get a job, which will allow me to do so, full or part time, not limited to 24, but perhaps around it.  No more holding back.  Do what I want, meds will have to help, but it will have to be so. 

Last year, I had one goal to get better, do everything to do to get better, listen to every detail do everything.  I have notes a list of everything they told me to do.  I have a check list of when I did it.  While I am not going to go bash my head against the wall or other things ;-), not take my meds, or drink, I am done spending my time lying around.  I already started, ‘socializing once and a while, but not too much, maybe just a couple of hours a hours.’ lol, not sure if the dungeon I go to, is what she had in mind. 

*Acceptance.* This is what I am, headaches and all.  What I lost is gone. I like some of the same things.  However, I lost a lot and some is returning.  Stop worrying about what changes are from, my head injury and the break up. 

 (Though I really hope that *independence*, I was forming in the months between the break up and my injury comes back when I move, I think that was kind of fun.  I did a lot of things for myself; I would have never done, alone, before.  I was even making choices for myself without freaking out, something I have lost/losing.  I even went into a new restaurant and order something totally new, without asking any questions (other than allergens) and (omg) no planning.)   <-- is that weird for a submissive to say?

*Stop trying to pleasing everyone!!!*  It back fires.  If someone even hints it will make them happy I will bend over backwards to do it.  Unless you piss me off, then it has to involve cleaning, just hand me vinegar and a rag, and point me in the direction you want me to clean. (Oh, it has to be spotless.  If it isn’t spotless, we will have a problem.) 

*Apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault!!!*  I just fucking apologized for cutting a friend out of my life.  He did something so horrible, that it is unforgiveable, not to me, but it is something I could never look him in the face as a friend again.  This is the worst example.  

Okay list on my things I want to learn, some I may not be able to do though.

1.       *Oil change with oil and air filters,* I had asked to learn how to do this, but “you are not coming near this engine,” seemed reasonable, perhaps, it still is. 

2.       *Tire change* (even if I should not really be doing this, I still should learn how to do this).  I had been asking how to learn to do this from my ex for years.  Isn’t this one of those things I am suppose to know how to do. 

3.       *Re-learn Greek.* (Go through my basic Greek books)

4.       Do the Theogony or Works and Days in Greek

5.       Return to my old reading level

6.       Every last detail of all the office programs

7.       How to rewire a lamp.  (not the standard, but mine)!!!

8.       Find a local ear plug store. 

Perhaps not that order like maybe English before Greek… 

Tens unit: PT vs Play.

So I am at PT, with my back and neck hooked up to the tens unit.  I can’t feel the right side very much, so they the left side gets turned up quite high.  I am told to tell them until ‘you can feel it on your right side’ or ‘it becomes too much on your left’ or something like that.  This is nothing new.  I am on my sixth time this time.

Today, I heard him say, ‘That is as high as I am going.’

I am laying there thinking, well, today it is somewhat intense on my left side, but it could be higher.

Then I am thinking, hmmmm…  I wonder, how high is the voltage in comparison to play?

Also thankful that it did not turn me on.

and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    

Will I be allowed to move on? 

Is it safe for me to move on?

 When can I have sex?

 When can I play? 

When can I seek new dom? 

When can I do anything? 

When can I work full time?

How will I move on?

How will get my life back?

When will my headaches go away?

Will I be normal again?

Can I be normal again?

Is it possible for me to have a life again?

Will I always be like this?

Will I change again?

Am I going to continue to change?

Can I force myself to change?

It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

Kinky Thanksgiving Turkey BDSM legend magic pain poultry

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.