He calls me Kitten.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dating a guy.  We will call him D.  He is awesome but this week has been hell.  He calls Kitten.

This week, I miss him.  I feel distant.  I miss him.  I don't know what is wrong with me.

Everything was going great.  I just need to see him.  Just for moment.  or hear that voice.  Or something.  I just don't feel very much like his this week.


we were doing great.  This is a bad time to be writing this.  I want to talk to him, but his kids are visiting.  It is too late to talk to anyone else.  depressing life.

Why X~Mas sucks!

You build traditions over a space of years.  If you take in traditions that was built in by your own family growing up and blend them into your partner’s traditions, it makes it all the worse.  It is so hard to wipe him out.  We had our traditions set, we celebrated at my aunt’s xmas eve, with my family.  We did ours x mas morning, his family xmas evening.  All together shopping was a blast, 7 nephew and nieces, 4 siblings and in laws, his parents, four aunts and uncles, five cousins, plus each other and that is just those we plan to buy for; sometimes there are ones who were visiting that we would add to the mix.  Cards were insane.  I haven’t sent out cards the last two years because of my issues regardless. 

I didn’t have the ability to adjust last year.  I was too out of it.  I just sort of went with it. 

This year I live with my brother and I still have no one to spend it with.  I will be in my room alone.  I have no one to spend it with.  I will be alone.  Perhaps I will go to a Chinese restaurant to eat. 

I have no tradition.  Just me and my cat.  Just me and my lovely adorable cat. 

I lost my hours all of them.  I have been so depressed these past couple of days that I didn’t get out of bed for anything.  I went a full day without feeding my cat.  I can’t believe that. 

Next year I will have my own tradition.  It will be mine and mine alone.  No more sharing holiday crap with people and traditions and habits with other people.  Maybe I need to break the habit of going to the dungeon every two weeks.  But I think I will wait until I move.  Right now, I need something to look forward to, something that is not horrible. 

New Year’s Resolutions

I think this is only the second year losing weight is not at the top of my list, however, I do not want to end the year at what I started this year.

Instead

*Stop trying to make everything so perfect.* Try to speed up.  That is how to fit into modern American society.  By modern, it has only been that way since what, the industrial age, which only sped only increased through the 70’s and 80’s.  If you know me, or simply look above and do rough math you will see a reason, I shouldn’t think this is normal. 

*Move on.* I mean, move out of my brothers.  Get a job, which will allow me to do so, full or part time, not limited to 24, but perhaps around it.  No more holding back.  Do what I want, meds will have to help, but it will have to be so. 

Last year, I had one goal to get better, do everything to do to get better, listen to every detail do everything.  I have notes a list of everything they told me to do.  I have a check list of when I did it.  While I am not going to go bash my head against the wall or other things ;-), not take my meds, or drink, I am done spending my time lying around.  I already started, ‘socializing once and a while, but not too much, maybe just a couple of hours a hours.’ lol, not sure if the dungeon I go to, is what she had in mind. 

*Acceptance.* This is what I am, headaches and all.  What I lost is gone. I like some of the same things.  However, I lost a lot and some is returning.  Stop worrying about what changes are from, my head injury and the break up. 

 (Though I really hope that *independence*, I was forming in the months between the break up and my injury comes back when I move, I think that was kind of fun.  I did a lot of things for myself; I would have never done, alone, before.  I was even making choices for myself without freaking out, something I have lost/losing.  I even went into a new restaurant and order something totally new, without asking any questions (other than allergens) and (omg) no planning.)   <-- is that weird for a submissive to say?

*Stop trying to pleasing everyone!!!*  It back fires.  If someone even hints it will make them happy I will bend over backwards to do it.  Unless you piss me off, then it has to involve cleaning, just hand me vinegar and a rag, and point me in the direction you want me to clean. (Oh, it has to be spotless.  If it isn’t spotless, we will have a problem.) 

*Apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault!!!*  I just fucking apologized for cutting a friend out of my life.  He did something so horrible, that it is unforgiveable, not to me, but it is something I could never look him in the face as a friend again.  This is the worst example.  

Okay list on my things I want to learn, some I may not be able to do though.

1.       *Oil change with oil and air filters,* I had asked to learn how to do this, but “you are not coming near this engine,” seemed reasonable, perhaps, it still is. 

2.       *Tire change* (even if I should not really be doing this, I still should learn how to do this).  I had been asking how to learn to do this from my ex for years.  Isn’t this one of those things I am suppose to know how to do. 

3.       *Re-learn Greek.* (Go through my basic Greek books)

4.       Do the Theogony or Works and Days in Greek

5.       Return to my old reading level

6.       Every last detail of all the office programs

7.       How to rewire a lamp.  (not the standard, but mine)!!!

8.       Find a local ear plug store. 

Perhaps not that order like maybe English before Greek… 

Tens unit: PT vs Play.

So I am at PT, with my back and neck hooked up to the tens unit.  I can’t feel the right side very much, so they the left side gets turned up quite high.  I am told to tell them until ‘you can feel it on your right side’ or ‘it becomes too much on your left’ or something like that.  This is nothing new.  I am on my sixth time this time.

Today, I heard him say, ‘That is as high as I am going.’

I am laying there thinking, well, today it is somewhat intense on my left side, but it could be higher.

Then I am thinking, hmmmm…  I wonder, how high is the voltage in comparison to play?

Also thankful that it did not turn me on.

and the count down begins

In 14 days ten hours, I will be setting in the doctor’s office that will make or break me.  I need to tell me everything.  This appointment will tell me when I can move on, if I will ever be able to.    

Will I be allowed to move on? 

Is it safe for me to move on?

 When can I have sex?

 When can I play? 

When can I seek new dom? 

When can I do anything? 

When can I work full time?

How will I move on?

How will get my life back?

When will my headaches go away?

Will I be normal again?

Can I be normal again?

Is it possible for me to have a life again?

Will I always be like this?

Will I change again?

Am I going to continue to change?

Can I force myself to change?

It is so hard.  I have all these going through my head all the time.  They never stop.  I cannot make them stop they just will not stop.  I cannot make them stop.  I want them to, but they will not.  I just want it all to stop.  It will never stop.   It is always there.  I want the questions to stop.  They won’t stop.  I just want them all to stop.  I want the thoughts to stop.  The worries to stop.  I want everything just to stop just for a moment.  I want answers. 

This appointment will give me that.  I just have to wait.  14 days.  Waiting.  I just have to wait.  I have been waiting.  The waiting just seems to be so intensified.  I do not know if I will get all my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I want my answers.  I need my answers.  I am tired of this.  I want it all just to disappear.  But I need this appointment.  I am terrified of this appointment, but I have no choice.  I have to have answers.  Which is worse bad answers or no answers?  

Kinky Thanksgiving Turkey BDSM legend magic pain poultry

Giving up

I just feel like giving up sometimes and I can't control it.  I hate it.  I want that feeling to go away.  It is difficult to sit back and keep trying.

I blew a job interview.
I made a fool of myself at a party over the weekend missing a joke... I think I don't I make a fool of myself all the time.
I can't find a job.
I want out of life.
If I get into a low income apartment I won't have money to make rent all the time, unless I get a stable job.
I can't find a stable job.
I am not healing.
I don't see myself healing.
I can't work full time.
I just can't do this any more.
I just want to give up.
It is useless.

I go these times where I feel like giving up, where I feel like giving up on everything.

I haven't dealt with these things in a long time.  I hate these feelings.  These feelings won't go away.  Perhaps I only write this because it is late.  I took my night pill late and I cannot fall asleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss being headache free.  I miss working sixty hours a week.

I miss going about a normal life.  I want a life back.  I want a life back.  I want the life I had planned on last year.  This time last year I had plans.  Plans that did not include laying in bed.  Laying here.  I am only working 13 allowed 24 but I couldn't 40 i f I was allowed.

Saturday I woke up at 6 because of a noise and I didn't stop going until 5 and probably didn't go to sleep until 6.  I was beat and shouldn't have done and paid for it.  But it made me feel human again for just a day.

It made feel like there are somethings that I can do.  It was an amazing feeling when I realized that I was up for probably 24 hours.  It was like hey you are still human, you are still functioning... Then I paid for it.

I paid for it dearly.  Not nearly as bad as I thought I would have.  I woke to take my pill.  I woke up at 1 and sort of catnapped the rest of the day.  I also took a lot of Excedrin and over used my pain cream.  which I do a lot.  But for one day I was human.

Perhaps that is why my mood is so fucked up.  This is why I feel useless.

I am drain.
I am useless.
I am a lump.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything again.
I am my brain injury.

Am I making excuses? for not dating

Is it possible I am simply making excuses for not ‘dating’ or playing?  I mean I have headaches that are killer and the slightest touch would send me into a killer headache.  I do tire easily.  Now my hand will go numb and I can lose use of it. 

My one friend said I could always date without sex but I don’t see how that would make sense for me.  I don’t want to get emotionally involved and then find out they are too big for me, too rough, ect.  Or worse yet when I piss them off, because that will happen, I have to know they can control their temper.  What if I am not submissive enough or not passionate enough?  What if I cannot take enough pain for them?  I can take a bit but from what I have seen not a lot. 

What if they hurt me?  I don’t want them to feel bad because I am weak.  Also, what if they run when I get hurt the next time?  There is always a next time.  What if he cross a limit accidentally and it freaks me out?  I have one limit, if I state why it is a limit then they could use it against me easily.  I have had set backs recently what if I have another.

Am I using all of this as an excuse?  I have 2 months to wait until I see the doctor that will give me answers.  

Moving out on my alone

I realized I have lived with a dominate personality since I was 20, someone who always told me what to do.  December ’05 to November ’06 was with my brother and his wife and their two year old.  My sister in law pretty much is the type that it is better to back away in an argument and accept what she says and do what she says. 

From then until July ’12 I lived with my ex.  Until that first summer, it was just in the bedroom but then there was a trigger and he hit a jealous rages.  To avoid them, I did exactly as any slave should do, whatever he said when he said, at first, it was good, but then it goes beyond this post.  The point is I went where he said, I clean what he said.  He said if it was cleaned enough, good enough, if I missed a spot. 

After I moved in here in November, I have gone rounds with my sister in law about how I clean.  The first time I cleaned while I was here, I told her exactly what I did and what I missed, I was tired, (it was after my injury).  It had been a few years since I had cleaned for someone who was not my ex. 

*Anyway,* I suddenly realized I will hopefully soon be moving out for the first time. 

I have started to move out on my own before and have the same thoughts and feelings they come to me in waves.  I am 28 now and never have lived alone.  I mean the closest thing to alone I had was sleeping in my car for a few and couch hopping and staying awake in a gas station (did you notice that gap) until my sister in law found out, in I think September but that was their old house so it was still like couch hopping.  What is it like?  Like living on your own?  No one telling you what to do?  But at the same time not telling you it is time to clean? 

I get to decide where everything is going to go.  However, it will have to be to optimize wall space for books, so not much choice, once you think about it.  

My birthday

I am happy it is over.  Perhaps a little too happy.  See I hate my birthday.  It was yesterday.  I don't get out of bed on my birthday.  I usually request off of work, skip class (when I was in college).  My grandmother's was on the 3rd and we celebrated together for 10 years until she died.  Two days before my 13th her mother died.  I hate my birthday.

I don't have my birthday visible on Facebook.  Unless you are a close friend you don't know it.  In college, everyone thought I loved it because I requested off, but I hated it.  First day of the fall semester I put up whatever blocks I had for the day, and I didn't leave the house or my bed.  I did go to work yesterday.  It was difficult.  I hate it.

This year I was lucky, only my aunt, and two friends and one of those I let it slip to when my aunt called.  and my brother wished me a happy birthday.  My brother called me, I was up stairs in my room, didn't even do it face to face.  I don't know if his wife and him are respecting the fact I hate my birthday or if she just doesn't care.  I thought she would have the kids make me a card or something I thought she was going to.

People just read me wrong about all the birthday stuff.  I hate it.  It is hard for me to be grateful.


When I was with my ex it was easier I guess.  I still didn't get out bed on my birthday unless he was home.  The morning of my birthday he would wake me up with a spanking.  I usually got another at bedtime.  Friday night and at least once Saturday and Sunday and each one was at least the number of years I was.

I realized that this is the first year i haven't had a Birthday spanking since I turned 18.

19 was my first.  he was my sexual partner vanilla and dom master
20 was a dom that i can't even tell you his name
21-26 was my ex
27 was a friend and play partner

this year is a year off I guess.  LOL

but over all my birthdays suck.  always have since I was little always will I guess.