Wtf was that? And Poly?

I have thoughts.  I have stuff I need to get out.  I am not sure how to say it.  I am not sure if what happen is worthy of talking about.  I sort of played with someone on Saturday night.  I am not sure if it was play.  It was new.  He didn't hurt me.  He barely touched even me.  He was able to put me like almost on a different plane just by talking.   I don't know what to even call it.    It certainly messed with my head in a good way.

I thought it was clear where we stood.   I thought he was married, so just play.  But recent convo has led me to think it may end up with more.    I don't know how to deal with that portion.

For the record his wife knows he plays.  

America has not been a forerunner in giving equality, as it should.

Even as a little girl when I was being raised as a Christian I was also taught to be grateful to be in America, where we are allowed to worship as we please.  Now, as an adult, as an agnostic, this freedom, means the freedom not to worship.  This also means that we are surrounded by those who are different yet deserve the same rights.

In a group that prays, I bite my tongue and remain quiet until they are done.  I choose not pray, but I don't say out law it.

I am pro-choice, so long as the fetus is not viable.  Perhaps I won't agree with every woman's reason but I don't think the government should share what is acceptable.  If I become pregnant I will miscarry, so really abortion is not a question I have been faced with.  One thing I do know, is that no woman should be forced to have an abortion nor forced to be sterilized.

With regards to marriage, it is very likely when I marry, it will be to a man.  Same sex marriage does not lessen the value of heterosexual marriages.  Same-sex marriage should simply make you happy that you live in a country that allows you to marry who you please.  That you marry who you love.  That the government doesn't dictate who you love.

It is my opinion that America should have been the first to give the freedom to marry, nation wide, but in looking back to history, America has not been a forerunner in giving equality, as it should.

Friends

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend who was having a crises.  It felt good to be there for someone else.  It showed me that yes I can continue to be someone who cares.  That I have that left in me.

It helped me more than her I think.

I tired today though.  I must go to work tomorrow.

Being alone

 I suck at being alone, on my own.  No one to take care of, to cook for, to clean for.  No one to tell me when to do stuff, to make sure I go to work.

I suck at not having someone there telling me it is Okay to cry.


Yes I am lonely, but I am pissed off that I can't do it on my own.  I want to do it on my own but I don't know how.

I don't know how to find someone.  I tried Cupid, it sucked.  I did Alt in the past and that was just bad.   I don't know how to date.

Life sucks.  I don't know how to make it better.

Ticks

Ticks is my kitty.  She has been with me since 2007.  She is my love.  She was there through an abusive relationship, through my healing of my head injury.  She really takes care of me as much as I do her.  She was five and half then, now she is now 14.  Enjoy a few pictures.

From May 2014

January 2015

June 7, 2015

She is still adorable!!!

Red flags... I see them everywhere.

I haven't written in nearly a year.  I don't know how to function on my own.  I am afraid to find someone.  I have made far too many mistakes in the past.  I see red flags in every person.  I swore to myself one red flag and I would refuse that potential.  A single warning sign.  I wonder is it possible for a person to have no red flags.

Can one person be free of red flags? 

Is it fair to ask that, when I wear a couple myself?

Am I making excuses again for why I don't want to date?

What cancels out redflags? 

Is it okay to allow certain redflags? 

We talked.

So D and began chatting here and there.  We haven't said a lot other than only friends. He asked me on the fourth to the movies but I freaked and said I had to clean my bathroom.   I don't want him as my master but as my friend. Or do I want him as more.  All I know is he is the only friend I have.  

Good news is I asked him to the movies tonight and he is too tired for them tonight too busy tomorrow.   

Or is that bad news.

I should have never gone ahead started my life again.  

I hate my job and I suck at it.  I sucked at my first relationship.  

I feel better physically.   Or can I just not feel it?   

He no longer calls me kitten.

Okay so big catch up time.  At the beginning of January I began dating a man I called D in an earlier post.  He was fantastic. He sent flowers to me at work and left notes on my car.  He agave me strenghth when I had none. I never felt lonely.  I felt like I always had someone there.  He was my dominate and he was on his way I had thought of becoming my Master. 

Well, shortly after I wrote that a post he broke up with me.  I thought everything was great.  But that break up was due to the age difference.  He said I disgusted him. I made him feel like an evil person.  That he didn't see me like a kitten. 

Well we were civil. Talked a bit. As friends.  He helped me move.  We alone for five seconds. We didn't keep our hands off of each other.  It seemed so natural. It was like it was meant to be. He was my dom. He was meant to be mine. He responded back. I needed him. I wanted to be his. I wanted to hear kitten. 

I was his for two short weeks. He then told me he was dumping me for an old friend of his.  We didn't even have time to talk in that time to see if it would have worked. I am glad in a way.  He didn't have time to collar me.  I am glad for that. I am glad that over all we were always in the puppy love stage. The sucky part is that both times I was just begining to think that it was okay.  But it was't.  Me feeling okaye wasn't okay for him.  

The second break up has hit me harder in a few ways.  I am angrier.  But I can get out of bed most mornings.  I guess the change of schedule at the same time helped a lot.  I hate him and myself. I want him back but I don't. I hope his new Girl Friend dumps him but I would be fucking insane if I ever took him back. 

I will probably see him tomorrow, or now it would be today.  I am terrified.  I want him to ignore me.  I want a reason to go off on him.  I want him to call me kitten. I want him to hold me.  I want him not to be there.  I  can't stop going because I have no other friends than what is in the community.  I feel so alone since he broke up with me.  Maybe even more so than before. I hate being in my apartment. I hate that I have so many negative feelings toward him.  I hate that I can't control my feeling more so.  But I don't know how to.  

I finally replaced my computer

Yay!!!!

He calls me Kitten.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dating a guy.  We will call him D.  He is awesome but this week has been hell.  He calls Kitten.

This week, I miss him.  I feel distant.  I miss him.  I don't know what is wrong with me.

Everything was going great.  I just need to see him.  Just for moment.  or hear that voice.  Or something.  I just don't feel very much like his this week.


we were doing great.  This is a bad time to be writing this.  I want to talk to him, but his kids are visiting.  It is too late to talk to anyone else.  depressing life.