Saturday, May 24, 2014

He no longer calls me kitten.

Okay so big catch up time.  At the beginning of January I began dating a man I called D in an earlier post.  He was fantastic. He sent flowers to me at work and left notes on my car.  He agave me strenghth when I had none. I never felt lonely.  I felt like I always had someone there.  He was my dominate and he was on his way I had thought of becoming my Master. 

Well, shortly after I wrote that a post he broke up with me.  I thought everything was great.  But that break up was due to the age difference.  He said I disgusted him. I made him feel like an evil person.  That he didn't see me like a kitten. 

Well we were civil. Talked a bit. As friends.  He helped me move.  We alone for five seconds. We didn't keep our hands off of each other.  It seemed so natural. It was like it was meant to be. He was my dom. He was meant to be mine. He responded back. I needed him. I wanted to be his. I wanted to hear kitten. 

I was his for two short weeks. He then told me he was dumping me for an old friend of his.  We didn't even have time to talk in that time to see if it would have worked. I am glad in a way.  He didn't have time to collar me.  I am glad for that. I am glad that over all we were always in the puppy love stage. The sucky part is that both times I was just begining to think that it was okay.  But it was't.  Me feeling okaye wasn't okay for him.  

The second break up has hit me harder in a few ways.  I am angrier.  But I can get out of bed most mornings.  I guess the change of schedule at the same time helped a lot.  I hate him and myself. I want him back but I don't. I hope his new Girl Friend dumps him but I would be fucking insane if I ever took him back. 

I will probably see him tomorrow, or now it would be today.  I am terrified.  I want him to ignore me.  I want a reason to go off on him.  I want him to call me kitten. I want him to hold me.  I want him not to be there.  I  can't stop going because I have no other friends than what is in the community.  I feel so alone since he broke up with me.  Maybe even more so than before. I hate being in my apartment. I hate that I have so many negative feelings toward him.  I hate that I can't control my feeling more so.  But I don't know how to.  

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