I can do this.

The first Wal-Mart was noisy.  This one is better.  It warm for December so this is better.  No allergy attacks.   I am safer in my car than I was with him.  I need to laundry if for no other reason to clean my car out.   Also I have extra blankets that I may need eventually.  

I can do this.  I make this work.   I do want to find a couple of other places to park so I don't become a fixture though.  

Catch up, living out of my car.

So I was staying with a guy who is dating a friend of mine and that was a mistake in itself.   

The guy I played with totally screwed me.  His wife didn't know.  He is saying I made it up and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I won't talk to him at all, now.  He used me.  The thing I I am not even mad he hurt me I am mad he hurt her.  

Back to the guy I was staying with he wanted me to cut my over time to clean his place, his chore list looked more like something to expect from dom type.  He also has made statements in the last couple of weeks that I needed to have my ass beat again, and he should just do it.  I decided I should get out while I had choice.  I am spending the night in my car with blankets.  It isn't too bad.  Tax season is right around the corner....  I can do this.   

Eviction.

So this just a quick update.

I got evicted because I couldn't afford my apartment.  I need to get my bills caught up and spend more time workings.  I need to find a new job. 

I need to do a lot of things.  

Money sucks right now.

My cat isn't with me. She is at another place.  I am just trying to breathe.  I am sleeping on a couch right now.  I am just so tired of it all.

I am feeling suicidal but I can't say anything to anyone about that.  Perhaps not suicidal but definitely want to cut.  Far more than usual.  

Wtf was that? And Poly?

I have thoughts.  I have stuff I need to get out.  I am not sure how to say it.  I am not sure if what happen is worthy of talking about.  I sort of played with someone on Saturday night.  I am not sure if it was play.  It was new.  He didn't hurt me.  He barely touched even me.  He was able to put me like almost on a different plane just by talking.   I don't know what to even call it.    It certainly messed with my head in a good way.

I thought it was clear where we stood.   I thought he was married, so just play.  But recent convo has led me to think it may end up with more.    I don't know how to deal with that portion.

For the record his wife knows he plays.  

America has not been a forerunner in giving equality, as it should.

Even as a little girl when I was being raised as a Christian I was also taught to be grateful to be in America, where we are allowed to worship as we please.  Now, as an adult, as an agnostic, this freedom, means the freedom not to worship.  This also means that we are surrounded by those who are different yet deserve the same rights.

In a group that prays, I bite my tongue and remain quiet until they are done.  I choose not pray, but I don't say out law it.

I am pro-choice, so long as the fetus is not viable.  Perhaps I won't agree with every woman's reason but I don't think the government should share what is acceptable.  If I become pregnant I will miscarry, so really abortion is not a question I have been faced with.  One thing I do know, is that no woman should be forced to have an abortion nor forced to be sterilized.

With regards to marriage, it is very likely when I marry, it will be to a man.  Same sex marriage does not lessen the value of heterosexual marriages.  Same-sex marriage should simply make you happy that you live in a country that allows you to marry who you please.  That you marry who you love.  That the government doesn't dictate who you love.

It is my opinion that America should have been the first to give the freedom to marry, nation wide, but in looking back to history, America has not been a forerunner in giving equality, as it should.

Friends

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend who was having a crises.  It felt good to be there for someone else.  It showed me that yes I can continue to be someone who cares.  That I have that left in me.

It helped me more than her I think.

I tired today though.  I must go to work tomorrow.

Being alone

 I suck at being alone, on my own.  No one to take care of, to cook for, to clean for.  No one to tell me when to do stuff, to make sure I go to work.

I suck at not having someone there telling me it is Okay to cry.


Yes I am lonely, but I am pissed off that I can't do it on my own.  I want to do it on my own but I don't know how.

I don't know how to find someone.  I tried Cupid, it sucked.  I did Alt in the past and that was just bad.   I don't know how to date.

Life sucks.  I don't know how to make it better.

Ticks

Ticks is my kitty.  She has been with me since 2007.  She is my love.  She was there through an abusive relationship, through my healing of my head injury.  She really takes care of me as much as I do her.  She was five and half then, now she is now 14.  Enjoy a few pictures.

From May 2014

January 2015

June 7, 2015

She is still adorable!!!

Red flags... I see them everywhere.

I haven't written in nearly a year.  I don't know how to function on my own.  I am afraid to find someone.  I have made far too many mistakes in the past.  I see red flags in every person.  I swore to myself one red flag and I would refuse that potential.  A single warning sign.  I wonder is it possible for a person to have no red flags.

Can one person be free of red flags? 

Is it fair to ask that, when I wear a couple myself?

Am I making excuses again for why I don't want to date?

What cancels out redflags? 

Is it okay to allow certain redflags? 

We talked.

So D and began chatting here and there.  We haven't said a lot other than only friends. He asked me on the fourth to the movies but I freaked and said I had to clean my bathroom.   I don't want him as my master but as my friend. Or do I want him as more.  All I know is he is the only friend I have.  

Good news is I asked him to the movies tonight and he is too tired for them tonight too busy tomorrow.   

Or is that bad news.

I should have never gone ahead started my life again.  

I hate my job and I suck at it.  I sucked at my first relationship.  

I feel better physically.   Or can I just not feel it?